|
|
|
How We Become Wounded
Dr Robert Weiss (LDSW, CSAT-S is the Director of Intimacy and Sexual Disorders Programs for Elements Behavioral Health) makes some important statements on factors that originate sexual disorders in the video which are reproduced below.
10:38
What I usually find is these men have underlying attachment disorders, early sexual trauma, sometimes they have developmental or personality-based issues all of which lead them away from intimacy and toward intensity. My clients seek intensity when what they need is comfort.
12:04
I know that a lot of people have sexual abuse and a lot of people have intimacy disorders - a lot of people have those kinds of issues and they will act out over them and they will relapse over them.
12:12
So, women will frequently relapse over their sexual behaviour or their relationship issues.
12:19
Men will pair sexual behavioural problems with drug disorders (like meth and sex, like coke and sex). I have a whole population of transgender and sexual-orientation confusion guys who drink and use, because they hate themselves through what they feel they are and so they go out there in order to have the sex they like, they drink and use, or in order to tolerate their feelings about the kind of sex that they like, they drink and use and they also can't get sober because they hate themselves so much for their sexual issues.
What I usually find is these men have underlying attachment disorders, early sexual trauma, sometimes they have developmental or personality-based issues all of which lead them away from intimacy and toward intensity. My clients seek intensity when what they need is comfort.
12:04
I know that a lot of people have sexual abuse and a lot of people have intimacy disorders - a lot of people have those kinds of issues and they will act out over them and they will relapse over them.
12:12
So, women will frequently relapse over their sexual behaviour or their relationship issues.
12:19
Men will pair sexual behavioural problems with drug disorders (like meth and sex, like coke and sex). I have a whole population of transgender and sexual-orientation confusion guys who drink and use, because they hate themselves through what they feel they are and so they go out there in order to have the sex they like, they drink and use, or in order to tolerate their feelings about the kind of sex that they like, they drink and use and they also can't get sober because they hate themselves so much for their sexual issues.
Dr Weiss also speaks about women who suffer from sex and intimacy disorders and how they experienced higher rates of sexual abuse, higher rates of unresolved chemical dependency and unresolved eating disorders. Women with sex and intimacy disorders need to asked about past sexual trauma but also they need to be asked about their current sexual lives.
Human beings need to be in loving relationships. Ideally this need is met in our birth families, however many children do not receive this necessity as their birthright. We need to receive love first, then we are enabled to give love. When we don't receive love as infants, psychological changes occur. When abuse is also received, further psychological changes occur that dominate the developing mind. Love truly is the only life-giving power and it is essential to human beings in order for them to function well.
The article below Post Traumatic Stress, Sexual Trauma, Dissassociative Disorder, Intimacy Issues is an excellent article that describes the development of mental/emotionally responses when love is withheld. Love provides safety but when love is absent, fear results. Trauma induces fear and when that trauma has been anchored to sexual abuse, neglect or abandonment, the developing mind is devastated. Many trauma responses can be seen mirrored in the psychology of prostitutes and porn performers. (To read the article, click on the link below or visit this link to read it on-line https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/Photocopy/153416NCJRS.pdf).
The article below Post Traumatic Stress, Sexual Trauma, Dissassociative Disorder, Intimacy Issues is an excellent article that describes the development of mental/emotionally responses when love is withheld. Love provides safety but when love is absent, fear results. Trauma induces fear and when that trauma has been anchored to sexual abuse, neglect or abandonment, the developing mind is devastated. Many trauma responses can be seen mirrored in the psychology of prostitutes and porn performers. (To read the article, click on the link below or visit this link to read it on-line https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/Photocopy/153416NCJRS.pdf).
In a normal and emotionally healthy environment, children can rely on two loving parents. The parents push their needs aside for a time, in order to focus on their child's needs. The parents interpreted the needs that their child was incapable of expressing (eg "I'm hungry. I need my nappy/diaper changed. I am scared and I need to feel protected. I need a cuddle to show me you love me and that I am important to you.") The adults consistent, selfless actions demonstrate to the child that he/she is extremely valuable to the parent. The child's environment is secure and safe because the parent's acts of selfless love are continuously and dependably repeated. It is this safe environment that permits the child to grow emotionally stable and confident in his/her own worth.
Even animals are not immune from experiencing mental stress when they are isolated from their social network group - their herd. Horses develop obsessive weaving behaviour when they are confined to a small stall and thereby prevented from socialising within the herd. ie lack of equine relationships and connection; forced isolation. Captive and isolated, chained elephants also develop the habit of weaving. It is recognised as a sign of social distress. Dogs whine and vocalise their mental stress and will sometimes destroy the environment that keeps them isolated from their 'pack.'
Just as animals can feel anxiety when separated from their herd mates or pack, so humans can likewise experience anxiety when in a vulnerable environment and disconnected from their network of social contacts. Emotional health is as vital as physical health, but when human children don't experience love, the consequences are always injurious and often can be life-long and devastating.
A child who is deprived of a safe and loving environment does not have the opportunity to develop true self-confidence and self-worth. An emotionally deprived child is focused on survival and on trying to stay safe. An emotionally deprived child still longs to have their self-worth filled, but without any other options, they look beyond their failing parents, to others outside the family.
A child who is deprived of a safe and loving environment does not have the opportunity to develop true self-confidence and self-worth. An emotionally deprived child is focused on survival and on trying to stay safe. An emotionally deprived child still longs to have their self-worth filled, but without any other options, they look beyond their failing parents, to others outside the family.
Humans are also born into a 'herd' called a family. That family should provide all the needs required by the young humans - safety, security, social, education, nourishment, water, shelter and nurture. Nurture is experienced as being loved. The young humans need to receive love and it is by learning to receive love that they are able to give love and to have the capacity to empathise with others. The absence of Love is fear.
It is interesting that the Christian Bible says that when the Creator made humanity, in the form of Adam, the Creator stated that "it is not good for man (humanity) to be alone." We are meant to be in a herd - a human herd which is a family and then families together that join communities and societies. Humans are meant to be together to interact by giving and receiving love. Sadly, many humans have not received love and they are not unable to function emotionally as they were meant to function - being able to trust and enjoy being in emotionally intimate relationships with other people. When a child is convinced by abuse, neglect or indifference that he/she is unloveable and worthless then they become less willing to make the effort to form intimate relationships. Being vulnerable is dangerous and can potentially cause rejection, mocking and serious emotional pain. In particular, men are forced to retreat emotionally; to mask their emotions; to ignore their emotions because expressing emotions is considered by our culture evidence of being 'not masculine,' 'like a sissy' and weak.
It is interesting that the Christian Bible says that when the Creator made humanity, in the form of Adam, the Creator stated that "it is not good for man (humanity) to be alone." We are meant to be in a herd - a human herd which is a family and then families together that join communities and societies. Humans are meant to be together to interact by giving and receiving love. Sadly, many humans have not received love and they are not unable to function emotionally as they were meant to function - being able to trust and enjoy being in emotionally intimate relationships with other people. When a child is convinced by abuse, neglect or indifference that he/she is unloveable and worthless then they become less willing to make the effort to form intimate relationships. Being vulnerable is dangerous and can potentially cause rejection, mocking and serious emotional pain. In particular, men are forced to retreat emotionally; to mask their emotions; to ignore their emotions because expressing emotions is considered by our culture evidence of being 'not masculine,' 'like a sissy' and weak.
Inheritable Genetic Damage Caused by Childhood Trauma (Wounding)
Childhood sexual abuse adds further trauma to the child's psyche.
The following is an extract from the article Adult Victim/Survivors of Childhood Sexual Assault, written by Lara Fergus and Monique Keel in ACSSA Wrap – November 2005 available here: https://aifs.gov.au/publications/adult-victimsurvivors-childhood-sexual-assault
"In 1992 Judith Herman likened the effects of childhood sexual assault on survivors to the effects of war on combatants. Many studies since have documented correlations between childhood sexual assault and adverse psychological and social outcomes such as increased depression, anxiety disorders, antisocial behaviour, substance abuse, eating disorders, suicidal behaviour, and post-traumatic stress disorder (Dinwiddie et al. 2000; Fergusson, Lynskey and Horwood 1996; Mullen, Martin, Anderson, Romans and Herbison 1994)."
References:
The following is an extract from the article Adult Victim/Survivors of Childhood Sexual Assault, written by Lara Fergus and Monique Keel in ACSSA Wrap – November 2005 available here: https://aifs.gov.au/publications/adult-victimsurvivors-childhood-sexual-assault
"In 1992 Judith Herman likened the effects of childhood sexual assault on survivors to the effects of war on combatants. Many studies since have documented correlations between childhood sexual assault and adverse psychological and social outcomes such as increased depression, anxiety disorders, antisocial behaviour, substance abuse, eating disorders, suicidal behaviour, and post-traumatic stress disorder (Dinwiddie et al. 2000; Fergusson, Lynskey and Horwood 1996; Mullen, Martin, Anderson, Romans and Herbison 1994)."
References:
- Dinwiddie, S., Heath, A.C., Dunne, M.P., Bucholz, K.K., Madden, P.A., Slutske, W.S., Bierut, L.J., Statham, D.B. and Martin, N.G. (2000), 'Early sexual abuse and lifetime psychopathology: A cotwin control study', Psychological Medicine, vol. 30, pp. 41-52.
- Fergusson, D. M., Lynskey, M. T. and Horwood, L. J. (1996), 'Childhood sexual abuse and psychiatric disorder in young adulthood: II. Psychiatric outcomes of childhood sexual abuse', Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, vol. 34, pp. 1365 -1374.
- Mullen, P. E., Martin, J.L., Anderson, J.C., Romans, S.E. and Herbison G.P. (1994), 'The effect of child sexual abuse on social, interpersonal and sexual function in adult life', British Journal of Psychiatry, vol. 165, pp. 35 -47.
A most interesting experiment was conducted by researchers on the ability of trauma to effect offspring for several generations. The experiment and its results are mentioned at 6 minutes into the video and then discussed at 13 minutes. Counsellor Kati Morton interviews psychologist Alexa Altman and serious implications are revealed for children who have been born into dysfunctional and/or stressful family units. Dr Altman also addresses how ACEs - Adverse Childhood Events - impact the health of adults decades after the trauma experienced in their childhood.
Withholding Nurturing Wounds Us
The demonstration of love - nurturing - is necessary for humans to be emotionally healthy and happy, from birth to death. Receiving nurturing from our mother is vital for babies who need to have a stable attachment to her and hopefully also to their father. When the loving, secure attachment is denied to the child by the parent for any number of reasons (e.g. drug or alcohol addiction, neglect, mental illness, narcissism, abuse) the child receives a severe emotional wound. The wound can cause lifelong compensatory behaviour where the child feels unloved and feels the need to gain approval from the outside world rather than knowing he/she has tremendous value just because they exist.
Developmental Trauma Disorder
Concerning Developmental Trauma Disorder, in an article that was medically reviewed By: Kelly L. Burns, MA, LPC, ATR-P , author Jessica Anderson writes:
"Children who have been chronically neglected or abused learn early on that adults will not provide for basic needs, such as food, clothing, warmth, and shelter. In this case, they must learn to provide for themselves, so they become self-reliant and are hesitant to trust adults. They also learn that they have to be in control of their surroundings to survive, and they carry this need for control into their adult life, even when it's no longer helpful or necessity. That's why children with Developmental Trauma Disorder will go to great lengths to gain control. They may even resort to lying, stealing, manipulation, destructiveness, and cruelty, all of which are common traits of someone with this disorder."
www.betterhelp.com/advice/trauma/developmental-trauma-disorder-is-not-as-complex-as-it-sounds/T
The realisation by abused or neglected children that they are not able to trust adults to provide for their needs, causes many children to decide that they must provide for themselves, despite the fact that they are disempowered because of their young age. They might begin to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, use their body in order to have their needs for food, shelter or nurturing met. As the child grows older, the habit is deeply formed and the anti-social behaviour continues to be justified as a survival technique and in fact, in many cases, this is truly a survival tactic. As an adult though, often addicted to drugs or to a behaviour like pornography, the negative repercussions from society can impact the person who is labelled 'bad' - ie a thief, an addict, a cheat, a liar etc. The negativity is often felt by the person themselves who battles to feel love for him/herself. They too believe that they are worthless - a liar, a thief, a cheat, an addict - as if those words identify them. But these adaptive behaviours hide the true self. That little child that still wants to be loved and valued is still alive, inside the mind of the adult.
Jessica Anderson states, "If you've gone through trauma, it's important to remember that these traits are not a part of your personality or who you are in general. They're simply symptoms of the struggles you've faced in the past. With the right help, you can move past these symptoms and become the person you've always wanted to be."
"Children who have been chronically neglected or abused learn early on that adults will not provide for basic needs, such as food, clothing, warmth, and shelter. In this case, they must learn to provide for themselves, so they become self-reliant and are hesitant to trust adults. They also learn that they have to be in control of their surroundings to survive, and they carry this need for control into their adult life, even when it's no longer helpful or necessity. That's why children with Developmental Trauma Disorder will go to great lengths to gain control. They may even resort to lying, stealing, manipulation, destructiveness, and cruelty, all of which are common traits of someone with this disorder."
www.betterhelp.com/advice/trauma/developmental-trauma-disorder-is-not-as-complex-as-it-sounds/T
The realisation by abused or neglected children that they are not able to trust adults to provide for their needs, causes many children to decide that they must provide for themselves, despite the fact that they are disempowered because of their young age. They might begin to lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, use their body in order to have their needs for food, shelter or nurturing met. As the child grows older, the habit is deeply formed and the anti-social behaviour continues to be justified as a survival technique and in fact, in many cases, this is truly a survival tactic. As an adult though, often addicted to drugs or to a behaviour like pornography, the negative repercussions from society can impact the person who is labelled 'bad' - ie a thief, an addict, a cheat, a liar etc. The negativity is often felt by the person themselves who battles to feel love for him/herself. They too believe that they are worthless - a liar, a thief, a cheat, an addict - as if those words identify them. But these adaptive behaviours hide the true self. That little child that still wants to be loved and valued is still alive, inside the mind of the adult.
Jessica Anderson states, "If you've gone through trauma, it's important to remember that these traits are not a part of your personality or who you are in general. They're simply symptoms of the struggles you've faced in the past. With the right help, you can move past these symptoms and become the person you've always wanted to be."
Childhood Sexual Abuse Case - Wounded Man Forgiven
Survivors of multiple types of child abuse more likely to experience domestic abuse in later life. Those who survived more than one type of child abuse were more likely to experience domestic abuse as an adult than those who survived fewer types of child abuse, the analysis found. Survivors of all four types of child abuse were the most likely to suffer domestic abuse; 77% had experienced domestic abuse after the age of 16, compared with 40%3 who experienced one type of abuse as a child.
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/peoplewhowereabusedaschildrenaremorelikelytobeabusedasanadult/2017-09-27
https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/peoplewhowereabusedaschildrenaremorelikelytobeabusedasanadult/2017-09-27
Porn Fakes Nurturing and Wounds Us Further
Boys often feel what they believe is nurturing when first confronted with pornography. This unfortunate situation anchors nurturing with what they believe is sex, but it is actually sexual abuse. As the young man grows up, searching for companionship, he continues to turn to porn as a source of nurturing. The women in porn open their arms to him. They desire him. They are keen to give him access to their bodies. The fact that the porn actresses appear to desire him, answers the need for nurturing in his heart. Nurturing is anchored to sexual activity. When he seeks to engage in sexual activity with women whom his is dating, he presses them for sexual interaction for two reasons; he is hypersexualised and thinks he 'needs' sexual release that her body offers him, but he also seeks access to her body in order to feel valued and nurtured. Many women have heard the worn out line, "If you love me, you will say yes." He wants her to desire him, but he doesn't realise why his need is so urgent. He is hypersexualised, but he will blame the girl for rejecting him if she declines to have sexual interactions with him. Now the boy feels justified in blaming the girl who has rejected him. The 'real' women in porn don't reject him, so there must be something wrong with the girl he is dating for her to say no to him. She is telling him that he's not good enough in some way. This logic can and does continue for decades.
As porn has become more denigrating to women, young boys feel entitled to berate young girls who refuse to accommodate their requests/demands for sexual access. The girls who were previous taught to 'value' themselves and to 'save themselves for that one special man' now experience severe pressure to 'perform' and to allow boys access to their bodies. Often, girls are bullied into sending nude photos to boys who they are trying to impress, only to experience intense mockery, humiliation and serious remorse when the photos are shared to the internet or to the school environment. The girls experience disrespectful backlashes as they continue to be objectified. Based on the boys' sexual evaluation of the photos, some girls are then considered not worthy of any further sexual pursuit, as she is 'ugly,' 'fat,' or has some other 'defect.' Other girls become sexual targets that boys strive to 'score.' All the girls are disrespected and considered 'cheap' when 'scored,' but a girl who won't 'cooperate' becomes invisible and is ignored or teased and bullied about being too ugly to send a nude photo.
During the 'scoring' process, the girl is taught by porn, that her role is to ensure that the boy gets satisfaction. Her own emotional or sexual pleasure is of no consequence, because all that matters is that the boy is pleased with the interaction. This is not an equal relationship, but it is one that girls who don't have rock-solid self worth, seem prepared to accept because the alternative - being invisible and ignored - is too painful to endure. A kind of emotional if not physical rape or prostitution is preferable. The payment for consenting to sexual access is that the boys won't tease her anymore or harass her, but it is rarely the safe decision for the girl.
So emotionally wounded boys who are prompted to seek nurture and a sense of being valued, stumble upon porn and learn to be abusers of girls who are also emotionally wounded, seeking nurture and to be valued.
Instead of achieving fulfilment of their emotional needs, this tragic arrangement leaves both boys and girls warring against each other. Girls realise the only way they can receive attention and praise from boys is to dress provocatively, but not to actually give sexual access to the boys. Boys who feel entitled due to porn's influence, believe they should be able to access the girls' bodies. Girls tell the boys, 'You can look, but you can't touch.' Boys become angry at what they consider being teased and creatively invent many derogatory names for the girls, or some more manipulative boys find more success by charming the girls into agreeing to their 'romantic' requests.
By the time the children leave high school, they are thoroughly confused about what constitutes sex because their lessons learned in porn and in their pornified school environment, have lied to them and taught them that sexual abuse and sexual assault is actually genuine sex.
The journey from insecure attachment to a parent and reaching out to porn as a pseudo-nurturing source, is not the same for everyone, but it a very typical pattern.
As porn has become more denigrating to women, young boys feel entitled to berate young girls who refuse to accommodate their requests/demands for sexual access. The girls who were previous taught to 'value' themselves and to 'save themselves for that one special man' now experience severe pressure to 'perform' and to allow boys access to their bodies. Often, girls are bullied into sending nude photos to boys who they are trying to impress, only to experience intense mockery, humiliation and serious remorse when the photos are shared to the internet or to the school environment. The girls experience disrespectful backlashes as they continue to be objectified. Based on the boys' sexual evaluation of the photos, some girls are then considered not worthy of any further sexual pursuit, as she is 'ugly,' 'fat,' or has some other 'defect.' Other girls become sexual targets that boys strive to 'score.' All the girls are disrespected and considered 'cheap' when 'scored,' but a girl who won't 'cooperate' becomes invisible and is ignored or teased and bullied about being too ugly to send a nude photo.
During the 'scoring' process, the girl is taught by porn, that her role is to ensure that the boy gets satisfaction. Her own emotional or sexual pleasure is of no consequence, because all that matters is that the boy is pleased with the interaction. This is not an equal relationship, but it is one that girls who don't have rock-solid self worth, seem prepared to accept because the alternative - being invisible and ignored - is too painful to endure. A kind of emotional if not physical rape or prostitution is preferable. The payment for consenting to sexual access is that the boys won't tease her anymore or harass her, but it is rarely the safe decision for the girl.
So emotionally wounded boys who are prompted to seek nurture and a sense of being valued, stumble upon porn and learn to be abusers of girls who are also emotionally wounded, seeking nurture and to be valued.
Instead of achieving fulfilment of their emotional needs, this tragic arrangement leaves both boys and girls warring against each other. Girls realise the only way they can receive attention and praise from boys is to dress provocatively, but not to actually give sexual access to the boys. Boys who feel entitled due to porn's influence, believe they should be able to access the girls' bodies. Girls tell the boys, 'You can look, but you can't touch.' Boys become angry at what they consider being teased and creatively invent many derogatory names for the girls, or some more manipulative boys find more success by charming the girls into agreeing to their 'romantic' requests.
By the time the children leave high school, they are thoroughly confused about what constitutes sex because their lessons learned in porn and in their pornified school environment, have lied to them and taught them that sexual abuse and sexual assault is actually genuine sex.
The journey from insecure attachment to a parent and reaching out to porn as a pseudo-nurturing source, is not the same for everyone, but it a very typical pattern.
Richard Grannon
Surviving the Female Narcissist: A Deconstruction by @RICHARD GRANNON"Narcissistic personality disorder is not a personality disorder. It is a response to trauma. Borderline personality disorder is not a personality disorder. It is a response to trauma. It is a coping mechanism to deal with a hostile environment in childhood."
Surviving the Female Narcissist: A Deconstruction by @RICHARD GRANNON"Narcissistic personality disorder is not a personality disorder. It is a response to trauma. Borderline personality disorder is not a personality disorder. It is a response to trauma. It is a coping mechanism to deal with a hostile environment in childhood."
|
|
Warning Signs of ViolenceEmotional abuse can lead to a victim to retaliate to others with violence. Please take the advice of Dr Park Dietz, forensic psychiatrist, very seriously.
|