Transcript of the Video by Emerson Eggrichs The University of Washington studied 2,000 couples for 20 years. They found that during conflict the vast majority of wives criticized and complained.
Why? She cares. As I say, women confront because they care. They don’t confront to control.
For example, it’s not a turn-on to a woman to control her husband. Instead, she confronts, criticizes, and complains to resolve what concerns her. Her goal is to experience an emotional connection which is fundamental to intimacy.
But there is no one in his life who talks to him the way she does. He feels put down. He feels that she is using the topic over which they have conflict as an opportunity to send him a message that she doesn’t like who he is as a person.
The researchers asked him what he feels when she criticizes and complains. He voiced, “I feel ongoing criticism is contempt for who I am as a human being.”
So, she seeks to do the caring thing but he interprets her as contemptuous. She does the loving thing but he labels her disrespectful.
When a former porn addict has difficulty in their relationship with their partner, either over a miscommunication or perceived criticism, the addict will often feel irritated and angry in response. The anger is most often directed at their partner who then is cast as being the enemy.
The former addict's partner might have quite rightly objected to some perceived mistreatment or they could perhaps have simply made a request for a change in behaviour. It might be a small and insignificant issue that has been raised by the partner, but to the reformed porn addict it is a criticism, an attack, an attempt to control him and this megative thinking nutures a feeling of being persecuted by their partner and rapidly develops into a resentment.
Resentment can appear a trivial response to the stress of being 'criticised' but this is on many occasions, misunderstood by the former porn addict. Their partner was trying to seek an emotional connection with their husband/boyfriend but it was perceived as a criticism. The former porn addict resents the request and cherishes a resentment against the partner.
Cherishing the resentment leads to the former porn addict feeling justified in viewing their partner as evil or nasty, instead of being their closest friend and with this mindset the addict's subconscious mind begins to seek an escape from the stress by accessing familiar neural pathways.
Resentment is not the friend of the porn addict who wants to recover completely from porn addiction. The thinking must be corrected from "My partner is not the enemy. She just wants to connect more deeply with me. What can I do to move closer to her? If she is asking for a need to be met, how can I fill it for her?"