Page Last Updated 25 February 2024

TRIGGER WARNING 

SEXUALLY EXPLICIT CONTENT
WORDS OF PRIVATE BODY PARTS
ARE USED IN THE FOLLOWING CASE STUDIES

DISCLAIMER:
We are not psychologists or trained professionals.  Our case studies are shared with permission by those porn/sexual abuse addicts who have shared their experiences with us. Our comments are not diagnostic, but simply our thoughts based on our interactions with many porn/sexual abuse addicts.   Our remarks are not scientifically proven and are not to be construed as medical or social advice.  The comments are presented as points of discussion to those who might be interested in reading our personal views.  

Case Study - George (Male, Age 72)
(Used with permission)

How your sexuality was shaped by sexual abuse:

1. You heard your mother and father laughing in the bathroom and you were curious as to why they were laughing so you innocently peeped through a hole in the wall. You were shocked and repulsed when you saw your naked mother being bathed by your father. You hated your mother for being hostile, aggressive and controlling and withholding nurture from you and the whole family. She was overweight and you found her body repugnant and not sexually arousing at all. This was the first instance where you saw a naked female body and it was a negative experience. Your mother’s overweight, naked, physical body was seen as being repugnant and her character traits were also repugnant to you.
2. You were sexually abused as a child in the bath by your sister who had already been the victim of sexual abuse by her/your father.  While you were innocent and ignorant of things of a sexual nature, sadly your sister “knew what to do” to sexually arouse you. She touched your p****. The touching felt physically good to you and your sister put your hand on her v***** which excited you further. The adrenaline was pumping through your body and you were amazed that your sister could make you feel so good physically. You thought that your sister was touching you because she wanted to make you feel happy and that she must have cared about you to do something that felt so nice to you. Your mother never wanted you to be happy so you knew this was probably not behaviour that your mother would have approved so you realised you needed to keep this amazing event a secret. You understood that despite it feeling good, it was somehow ‘bad/wrong’ and you felt you had to hide it from the adults. It also felt good to get revenge on your mother as she didn’t know you were getting emotional nurturing and physical comfort from the sexual interaction with your sister.
3. This sexual event caused you to form a strong anchor between sexual arousal and nurturing emotions:
4. You needed to have both physical sexual arousal and nurturing traits together to achieve the same high that was felt during your sister’s sexual abuse of you;
5. When you were 14, and your sister was 12, she again approached you sexually. She told you to get undressed and so you both stood naked together. She laid on the bed and told you to get on top of her and you obeyed. As you were preparing to penetrate her v***** with your p****, she instructed you to stop, so you again obeyed her. This interaction again ingrained in your mind that the female controlled your ability to have sex and some disappointment was felt at being disempowered.
6. You became hypersexualised
7. As you grew, you sexualised relationships with females that should have been asexual friendships. eg your female teacher’s kindness to you, provoked a strong sexual response in you and you became infatuated with her.
8. The age difference between you and your teacher was inappropriate but it effected your choice of several future sexual partners who were much older than you.
9. As your hypersexualisation increased, you sought to relieve some of the compulsion by going into your sister’s bedroom when she was asleep. You touched her v**** and she stirred and you thought she woke up enough to know you were there touching her, but you quickly left the bedroom, but your heart was beating very hard and you were full of adrenaline. You knew it was wrong, but you chose to do it anyway, justifying the act because the sexual compulsion you felt was so intense.
10. On another occasion, a school girl showed interest in you and on the same day she visited you at your house while your parents were out. Also, on the same day you accepted her suggestion of having sexual activity together and tried to do it, but she changed her mind due to your sister’s interference. You became angry of and resentful toward your sister for preventing you from experiencing sexual and emotional connection with the school girl. You were angry and resentful of her control over you.
11. You developed a mental fixation/compulsion and you began to fantasise about sexual encounters with a fixation on female v*****. You didn’t understand that these fantasies were not normal and to one school girl who you thought might like you, you wrote a note saying, “Mary’s h***** v*****.” The girl reacted with disgust and never spoke to you again. It was a rejection of your sexual invitation but you were genuinely surprised by her response of disgust.
12. Your sister decided to do a game of role-play where she acted the part of the horrible mother while you were the child. You agreed to play the game and your sister told you how horrible you were. Your mother and older half-sister arrived home and the role play of you being abused was seen as a funny incident to all three of them, but not to you.
13. You came to realise that your sister manipulated your parents against you and that she was not ‘on your side.’ Sometimes she ‘dobbed you in’ to be punished, when in fact, the wrong things were not your fault. You failed to recognise manipulation and this inability was repeated in the vast majority of your adult sexual relationships
14. As you grew, you sexualised relationships with females that should have only been age-appropriate, non-sexual friendships. eg Your female teacher, who wore a long, modest dress, was nurturing and kind to you, but her kindness provoked in you, a strong sexual response toward her. Your sexual arousal occurred on the same day that she showed your kindness by taking you on a car ride to collect tickets. You instantly became infatuated with her. The teacher’s display of kindness was anchored to her long dress and the combination provoked a sexual response in you. On another occasion, one day a school girl showed interest in you and on the same day you tried to have sexual activity with her but she changed her mind. These two incidents demonstrate that female nurturing and kindness triggered your sexual response.
15. You didn’t want just sexual activity and you didn’t want just nurturing activity but you were searching for a combination of sex and nurturing which you called ‘a relationship.’ Your belief that the female was nurturing/kind and her agreement to and having sex with you, was considered by you to be a relationship. Sexual activity was seen to bond you together despite their being no friendship or knowledge of each other’s true character. You were seeking to receive nurturing and kindness that you didn’t receive from your mother or sister. You were focused on receiving your own needs and not on how to supply a female partner’s needs.
16. You did not learn how to evaluate a woman’s character or how to develop a friendship with a woman but instead you believed that emotional bonding would occur if you had sex with the woman onto whom you projected both nurturing character traits and sexual attraction. You were the victim of manipulative women many times which caused you more resentment when you finally realised you were being controlled against your knowledge.
17. On being exposed to porn, another dynamic was added to your sexual identity; revenge sex; you learned to masturbate to images of women who did not have the nurturing look but who had a challenging look on their faces such as a look that you interpreted to mean, “You think you’re good enough to have me?” You weaponised your sexual organs to ‘get her.’
18. Challenge porn did not satisfy your needs for nurturing though so you resorted again to fantasy and you projected nurturing traits onto the porn women. You found your mind responded to images of porn actresses who were in submissive poses and who were saying they desired you and wanted you sexually. You fantasised that these women would never reject you, never be hard-hearted to you, never criticise you, never disrespect you, never mock you, never expose your weaknesses or ask you to improve in any way. The porn actresses were emotionally ‘safe’ and could not disempower you, or control you, which was in contrast to your mother and sister.
19. You attended a massage class where a young woman was instructed to lie on the table and the students were intending to massage this woman to learn how to give a massage. You were immediately sexually aroused when you saw the woman on the massage table to the extent that you decided you had to leave the class. The trigger that caused the sexual response was that the woman was lying in a submissive position and you would be in control over her and touching her body.
20. You learned that in real life, many women will have sex with you but they don’t want to stay in the relationship.  All your relationships were short-lived and the female partners were numerous. This was a source of pain and embarrassment to you and you wondered what was wrong with you that you couldn't find a wife who wanted to stay and have a happy relationship with you.  You wanted to know how to maintain a relationship.
21. You sought counselling in a men's group. Some improvements were made in your thinking about sex but the basic roots were never uncovered. You tried to stop masturbating to porn but the habit had proven to be very strong and difficult to break. When pressure and stress became too high, you resorted to relief by porn and felt disgusted with yourself but you didn't know how to stop it.
22. You marry your fourth wife.
23. After decades of being addicted to porn and 10 years of internet porn, you were afflicted with porn-induced erectile dysfunction.  You were not aware of this condition and you blamed your wife for not being 'sexy enough' not realising that you had anchored your sexual arousal system onto seeing digital, pixillated images.  You decided you needed to adjust your porn images from 18 years + to viewing women who were 30-40 years of age so that your wife wouldn't look so bad compared to the 18 year old bodies.  When you still couldn't perform sexually with your wife, you adjusted your porn to 'granny porn' images, but still you weren't able to achieve an erection without the pixillated screen.  You blamed your new wife for the problem you were having but it was really the porn addiction that caused the problem. 
24. Your wife noticed that you have a persistent habit of inviting women to share emotional relationships with you and these emotional relationships become long-lasting.  One relationship involved the woman calling you several times every day for 5 months and you calling her equally too.  This one relationship involved having phone calls for 3 hours per day, every day for 5 months. Your wife stated her concerns and requested that you stop the relationship. You agree to do so, but later confessed that you were fantasising what it would be like to have a sexual relationship with that woman.  Still, you then initiated new relationships with other women under the guise of you wanting to help those needy women. Your wife stated that you were trying to get your emotional needs met outside the marriage but you couldn’t see it yet.
25. After being married for 5 years, your wife discovered you masturbate to pornography. She asked if you like porn and if you wanted to continue it because she couldn’t continue in the marriage if you continued the porn habit. You said that you hate porn and so your wife said, “Then it’s you and me against the porn.” From that day onwards, you didn’t engage in porn activity again and you were jubiliant to be free from the addiction, triggers and compulsion.
26. Sadly, the extra-marital emotional relationships continued from the start of the marriage for the next 9 and ¾ years.
27. The incident that allowed you to see the danger of having emotional relationships with women, occurred when you were at a meeting where you saw the same people regularly. One woman explained to the group about her troubles and you made a mental appraisal that the woman was kind-hearted but that she had endured difficult times which caused you to feel empathy for her. At another meeting you saw the woman wearing a modest, long dress and you experienced a sexual attraction to her. You were shocked and wondered why that happened to you. You eventually learned that you have anchored nurturing character traits with a sexual response. In this case, the long, modest dress (nurturing, teacher’s style of dress) and the preconceived view of a kind personality caused the sexual arousal trigger.  You decided not to have any further emotional connections with needy, nurturing women. 
28. You learned that you sexual identity was formed through your sexual abuse.
29. You have formed an anchor/bond between sexual arousal and nurturing, submissive character traits symbolised by long, modest dresses and massage tables. These items might be considered to be fetishes.
30. If a woman sexually aroused you, you thought she must be nurturing;
31. If a woman offered you nurturing, it often sexually aroused you;
32. If a naked woman was doing porn videos, you projected, fantasised nurturing character traits onto her so you could masturbate, imagining you were in a nurturing relationship with that specific woman;
33. If you did not see your wife as being ‘nurturing/loving/caring/kind or having positive character traits,' you could not perform sexually with her. You did not seem capable of projecting kindness onto your wife but you could do so to porn actresses.
34. The thinking toward porn actresses was “she looks like she is submissive and accepting and not demanding or controlling and she is naked and not overweight, so she is sexually arousing and safe to have sex with”; or
35. If you started learning about a woman’s personal emotional life and you concluded that she was ‘nurturing/kind/nice/caring’ then you would develop a sexual attraction to her;
36. If a woman was wearing sexually provocative clothing, or no clothing at all (porn) you projected submissive, emotionally safe, warm and kind character traits onto them to justify a sexual response or sexual interaction with them.
37. If a woman was dressed like a pure, nurturing Madonna, you would feel sexual arousal to them because through childhood sexual abuse,  nurturing was connected/bonded to sexual activity.
38. You are still repulsed by women who are over-weight which is unkind.  Women can be friends.  Women can take different shapes, have different personalities and it would be a better outcome for you if you did not evaluate women on the basis of how sexually arousing you find them to be.  Women can be accepted in non-sexualised capacities such as genuine friends, bosses, work-mates, mothers, grandmothers, doctors, politicians, solicitors.  None of these roles require women to be sexualised or providers of sexual arousal or sexual enticement or entertainment.   

In a Nutshell
Childhood sexual abuse:

1. disempowered you (adrenaline associated with sex act, instead of calm, safety and non-stressful excitement)
2. caused hypersexualisation (negative)
3. felt physically good (positive physical reaction)
4. was interpreted as proof that you were being valued (positive emotional connection/bonding with the other person/abuser) (stripper, women who agreed to sex on the second date)
5. was seen by you as being morally wrong (negative emotional disconnection with yourself)
6. caused cognitive dissonance - it’s wrong but my need to be valued (emotional reward/ bond) and the physical hypersexualisation (physical relief) are both so desperate that I’ll do the sex act despite it being morally wrong and I’ll bear the guilt and shame afterwards
7. caused shame and guilt (negative x2)
8. caused temporary relief from hypersexualisation and from the pain of being emotionally alone (positive x2)
9. caused inability to see manipulative, disempowering strategies of the abuser/s
10. separated emotional connection as being a necessary precursor to sexual activity
11. caused confusion over and inability to recognise the female sexual abusers’ manipulative motives (while still being highly suspicious of the sexual and non-sexual abuse by men)
12. caused you to see women as being in control of your access to sex and you as a helpless victim of their whimsical decisions
13. caused addiction to sexual activity (loss of ability to regulate your sexual behaviour easily)
14. caused resentment and anger from your belief that women controlled you sexually and you felt disempowered, deprived by and dependent on women
15. weaponised the sex act for both you and women
16. caused you to view and to seek out women for your hypersexuality needs (multiple women and porn )
17. caused inability to see the normal and necessary connection between an intimate emotional relationship and sex
18. caused emotional distress and confusion over how to create a healthy, intimate, emotionally connected relationship.
19. caused you to think there was something wrong with you and failed to attribute the hypersexualisation to the early sexual abuse - (thought you had a high sex drive/libido)
20. caused you to justify making morally wrong choices (because your needs were so intense) (I know this is wrong but I’m going to do it anyway)
21. caused difficulties in your romantic relationships (projection of blame and resentment, betrayal of wife's trust)
22. caused dreams where your mind is trying to warn you to correct the imbalanced power / manipulation related to your early sexual abuse
23. it is possible that you are trying to manage the rage of being unloved, unvalued and abandoned emotionally as a child by projecting your anger and resentment subconsciously onto your romantic partner to the point that you are taking revenge on her and attributing the hateful qualities of your caretakers onto your romantic partner.  To reverse this dysfunctional dynamic, you would have to consciously, mentally separate the two people and to look for the truth about your romantic partner's motivation.  Genreally a female romantic partner does not take delight in controlling her masculine partner, but is asking for an emotional connection, but you view it as being criticism.  (There are exceptions of course as Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Narcississtic Personality Disorder are mental health conditions and these conditions need to be ruled out.)