Cheating
(Updated 29/11/24)
Why?
While there are many reasons people cheat, it is the reason that is most suppressed and perhaps hidden from conscious view that we are interested in investigating in this study.
People cheat to counter the inner voice that is held as a core value - that they are not good enough, not lovable and unworthy. They are covered emotionally with shame based on the lessons learned in childhood which was either neglected and/or abusive.
People cheat to counter the inner voice that is held as a core value - that they are not good enough, not lovable and unworthy. They are covered emotionally with shame based on the lessons learned in childhood which was either neglected and/or abusive.
If a man (or woman) believes he is worth nothing, it will cause him intense emotional pain. That pain will be suppressed as it is just too crushing to consciously bear, day after day, night after night. The emotional pain tempts him to seek analgesic relief as a way to numb the pain such as doing drugs, or it can tempt a man to seek a temporary escape from the emotional pain via a behaviour that counteracts the message of his worthlessness such as does the fantasy world of porn or extra-marital relationships.
Men who experience emotional neglect and/or abuse in childhood are extremely prone to develop attachment injuries and thus are unable to participate in emotionally close, romantic relationships. The man who develops dismissive attachment (DA) injury is particularly prone to develop coping strategies that involve escaping into a fantasy world where they attempt to solve their own emotional connection problems. The attempt is to solve their issues using input from others outside their romantic relationship, but this never works as outside anything can't cure a problem whose source is inside.
While there are different responses to childhood neglect and abuse, it can be easier to address the various issues by dealing with them based on their attachment injury style. Dismissive Avoidants are one such style that develop when a child learns that personal intimate emotionally close relationships are not safe for them. They try to connect with a parent but are regularly dismissed, rejected, abandoned emotionally, mocked, and eventually become convinced that they are unlovable.
They believe the lie that becomes their core belief - that they are intrinsically defective and that is the reason why no-one likes them, let alone loves them.
They learn that they can't trust others because promises to them are continually broken, expectations of care and love are continually dashed. The child learns that it is only safe to depend on himself/herself. They no longer function to give to others, to empathise with others, to be concerned with trying to meet the needs of others in their relationships. All their focus is on learning how to avoid receiving more emotional pain from others and how to meet their own needs in every way. They leave home as soon as they are able to legally do so.
They learn to try to block out the feeling of self hatred, but they can't do so. They 'know' that they can't avoid the "truth" of their worthlessness and they are covered with the shame of being unlovable. This is the belief that drives their infidelity.
Trying to participate in a normal, emotionally bonded romantic relationship is a fearful endeavour for the DA. The DA truly believes that he is worth 'nothing' and that he is 'unlovable' and that he is going to have to put on an image of being a 'nice' person to his partner. He lives in a fantasy and is not his authentic self. He fears that he will be 'exposed' as a fraud and that if he is not always 'on his guard,' then his current partner will discover the truth about his vileness. He enters the relationship bound by his core belief about himself. He truly believes THE LIE that what he was told as a child (that he is worthless and unlovable) and what he believes he has reinforced by his own sad choices as an adult. These lies have been accepted in his heart. He believes they are rock-solid, truth. These lies - that he still believes - have convinced him that he has no value and that he is unlovable. In many cases, they have already destroyed his life and opportunities for happiness in the future. He is unaware how simple is the remedy.
If the DA and other hurting men and women, are able to do the brave work of searching their own motives, attitudes and behaviours, they can try to then salvage what is left of their relationships and live very different and honest lives. Sadly, many DA's find this intense, fearful work so confronting, challenging and exhausting that they revert back to their old, 'faithful' coping mechanisms of porn, affairs, alcohol, drugs, gambling etc. This is due to their inability to remove the shame surrounding their belief about their own core value.
Healing requires:
While there are different responses to childhood neglect and abuse, it can be easier to address the various issues by dealing with them based on their attachment injury style. Dismissive Avoidants are one such style that develop when a child learns that personal intimate emotionally close relationships are not safe for them. They try to connect with a parent but are regularly dismissed, rejected, abandoned emotionally, mocked, and eventually become convinced that they are unlovable.
They believe the lie that becomes their core belief - that they are intrinsically defective and that is the reason why no-one likes them, let alone loves them.
They learn that they can't trust others because promises to them are continually broken, expectations of care and love are continually dashed. The child learns that it is only safe to depend on himself/herself. They no longer function to give to others, to empathise with others, to be concerned with trying to meet the needs of others in their relationships. All their focus is on learning how to avoid receiving more emotional pain from others and how to meet their own needs in every way. They leave home as soon as they are able to legally do so.
They learn to try to block out the feeling of self hatred, but they can't do so. They 'know' that they can't avoid the "truth" of their worthlessness and they are covered with the shame of being unlovable. This is the belief that drives their infidelity.
Trying to participate in a normal, emotionally bonded romantic relationship is a fearful endeavour for the DA. The DA truly believes that he is worth 'nothing' and that he is 'unlovable' and that he is going to have to put on an image of being a 'nice' person to his partner. He lives in a fantasy and is not his authentic self. He fears that he will be 'exposed' as a fraud and that if he is not always 'on his guard,' then his current partner will discover the truth about his vileness. He enters the relationship bound by his core belief about himself. He truly believes THE LIE that what he was told as a child (that he is worthless and unlovable) and what he believes he has reinforced by his own sad choices as an adult. These lies have been accepted in his heart. He believes they are rock-solid, truth. These lies - that he still believes - have convinced him that he has no value and that he is unlovable. In many cases, they have already destroyed his life and opportunities for happiness in the future. He is unaware how simple is the remedy.
If the DA and other hurting men and women, are able to do the brave work of searching their own motives, attitudes and behaviours, they can try to then salvage what is left of their relationships and live very different and honest lives. Sadly, many DA's find this intense, fearful work so confronting, challenging and exhausting that they revert back to their old, 'faithful' coping mechanisms of porn, affairs, alcohol, drugs, gambling etc. This is due to their inability to remove the shame surrounding their belief about their own core value.
Healing requires:
- Recognition of reality needs to take place because the truth sets you free;
- Personal shame acquired by parental abuse/neglect needs to be exposed as being based on lies; (You have intrinsic value from being born a human being and that value is not based on what you have done);
- Shame for unwise, personal behaviour needs to be exposed and responsibility taken for those actions;
- Where a person has committed unkind deeds, this shame should be converted to guilt;
- Guilt for unkind acts needs to be confessed to those who were injured and apologies sincerely given for the pain that was caused to the other person (if there still exists an ongoing relationship);
- Amends need to be made where applicable (if there still exists an ongoing relationship);
- Conviction to think and behave differently (giving in love) toward the partner, needs to follow without exceptions.
Convictions vs Options
A conviction is based on trust - on the truth.
A conviction is held in the heart and reinforced by the mind.
A conviction is not an option.
A conviction offers NO options.
Options provide alternatives selected in preferential order. Some options are more acceptable than others.
A conviction has no loopholes that can be used to introduce options.
A conviction will not be amended under any circumstances for life.
A conviction is like a marriage contract based on the marriage vow of fidelity. There is no optional clause. There is no 'fine print.' There are no exceptions to allow temporary breaks in fidelity. If a conviction is broken, then the marriage contract in reality, is annulled.
A DA must have a conviction about himself/herself. To return to the false belief that they have no value, is to open the door to the escape options. Options lead to infidelity, which always begins in the private thoughts of the mind.
A conviction is held in the heart and reinforced by the mind.
A conviction is not an option.
A conviction offers NO options.
Options provide alternatives selected in preferential order. Some options are more acceptable than others.
A conviction has no loopholes that can be used to introduce options.
A conviction will not be amended under any circumstances for life.
A conviction is like a marriage contract based on the marriage vow of fidelity. There is no optional clause. There is no 'fine print.' There are no exceptions to allow temporary breaks in fidelity. If a conviction is broken, then the marriage contract in reality, is annulled.
A DA must have a conviction about himself/herself. To return to the false belief that they have no value, is to open the door to the escape options. Options lead to infidelity, which always begins in the private thoughts of the mind.
All successful relationships are constructed on a foundation of trust. When that trust is built on lies, (such as the belief that the DA is worthless) then the entire relationship is going to be effected. A DA partner has nothing to give to his partner but wants to take from her/him in order to build himself/herself up. The DA can only take because he/she believes that they have NOTHING within themself to give. All the DA's thinking is on how to take positive emotional input from their partners so that they can use that emotional input to stop feeling their own pain that is wafting up in putrid tides from their own soul. The DA latches onto any positive comment, any positive look, or when those are absent in reality, the DA fantasises that such responses are present.
A female shop assistant who is serving a DA in a shop might say, "Hello sir." The DA, who is so desperate to gain positive feedback from others, fantasises to himself, that the female shop assistant's simple greeting must have actually held the hidden meaning that "she likes me." This is what the DA desperately wants reality to be. He wants people to say that they like him, so that he will have something to numb his own pain caused by the 'truth' that he knows he is vile, disgusting and unworthy of being in any relationship because he has nothing to give any partner. The DA goes on to sexualise and sexually evaluate the female shop assistant in his mind and then imagines having a sexualised relationship with her. Rather than be disgusted with his own thoughts, he sterilises and sanctifies the infidelity taking place in his mind. He assures himself that his thoughts are pure and acceptable, because the relationship is consensual and based on the fact that they like each other. He does not think about his wife's needs or his responsibilities to his wife. It is ALL about the DA's desperate need to hide his shame and deal with the excruciating pain of being unlovable, worthless and without any value.
The DA irrationally rationalises that his wife doesn't like him and all his previous girlfriends didn't like him and in fact, he doesn't even like himself, but the shop assistant likes him and THAT is vitally important to him.
The safety for the DA is that the shop assistant doesn't know the real, unlovable him - and that is why it is also valuable to him. He can hide from being truly known as that unlovable being - at least until the shop assistant gets to see the 'real' unlovable him. then he moves onto the next 'supply' - the next unsuspecting female who will be manipulated in the DA's mind, in his imagination, in his fantasy, to provide what he will take from her.
A female shop assistant who is serving a DA in a shop might say, "Hello sir." The DA, who is so desperate to gain positive feedback from others, fantasises to himself, that the female shop assistant's simple greeting must have actually held the hidden meaning that "she likes me." This is what the DA desperately wants reality to be. He wants people to say that they like him, so that he will have something to numb his own pain caused by the 'truth' that he knows he is vile, disgusting and unworthy of being in any relationship because he has nothing to give any partner. The DA goes on to sexualise and sexually evaluate the female shop assistant in his mind and then imagines having a sexualised relationship with her. Rather than be disgusted with his own thoughts, he sterilises and sanctifies the infidelity taking place in his mind. He assures himself that his thoughts are pure and acceptable, because the relationship is consensual and based on the fact that they like each other. He does not think about his wife's needs or his responsibilities to his wife. It is ALL about the DA's desperate need to hide his shame and deal with the excruciating pain of being unlovable, worthless and without any value.
The DA irrationally rationalises that his wife doesn't like him and all his previous girlfriends didn't like him and in fact, he doesn't even like himself, but the shop assistant likes him and THAT is vitally important to him.
The safety for the DA is that the shop assistant doesn't know the real, unlovable him - and that is why it is also valuable to him. He can hide from being truly known as that unlovable being - at least until the shop assistant gets to see the 'real' unlovable him. then he moves onto the next 'supply' - the next unsuspecting female who will be manipulated in the DA's mind, in his imagination, in his fantasy, to provide what he will take from her.
"Who am I? I can't bear to find out."
The Infidelity Payoff
So the payoff is that infidelity provides temporary emotional anesthesia for the DA's pain. The anaesthesia is never and can never be permanent because the source of the pain is not addressed. That internal source of pain can only be addressed and healed by the DA himself/herself. He needs to understand that it is his thinking and believing a lie that causes his intense pain. If the source of the pain - the false core belief - is ejected from his mind, then the pain will cease and infidelities will lose their grip on his life.
When a DA (and others with similar low values on themselves) enter into infidelity in their minds, there is an immediate payoff. The dopamine hit is instantaneous in the brain and this boosts the feeling of happiness. The DA can actually behave in a noticeably euphoric manner in response to the perceived positive feedback from a stranger. In reality, the stranger might have only being polite, but this polite comment or greeting is sufficient to be converted into a true chemical high (after some mental gymnastics) by the DA. The immediate relief from thinking he is worth nothing, being unattractive to others, being unlovable is temporarily numbed in his mind because he now believes (falsely) that this stranger finds value in him. He puts more value on what the stranger has 'said' (in his imagination) than to the truths that his wife has told him. Possibly his wife has expressed her own pain caused by the DA's self-centred behaviour and asked him to supply her more emotional safety and security. DA's do not accept ANY requests for change and they tend to view all such requests as CRITICISM. At that time, the wife is classified as the ENEMY and none of her requests are given any validity. The DA often runs off to find 'comfort' for his emotional pain through contact with other females who he will then imagine 'likes' him. This can be done with porn actresses in videos or it can be done face to face with women he sees on the street or in shops, at the beach, at church, in advertisements - anywhere. The fantasy, the mental medication becomes a habit that often converts with practice into an addictive behaviour.
When a DA (and others with similar low values on themselves) enter into infidelity in their minds, there is an immediate payoff. The dopamine hit is instantaneous in the brain and this boosts the feeling of happiness. The DA can actually behave in a noticeably euphoric manner in response to the perceived positive feedback from a stranger. In reality, the stranger might have only being polite, but this polite comment or greeting is sufficient to be converted into a true chemical high (after some mental gymnastics) by the DA. The immediate relief from thinking he is worth nothing, being unattractive to others, being unlovable is temporarily numbed in his mind because he now believes (falsely) that this stranger finds value in him. He puts more value on what the stranger has 'said' (in his imagination) than to the truths that his wife has told him. Possibly his wife has expressed her own pain caused by the DA's self-centred behaviour and asked him to supply her more emotional safety and security. DA's do not accept ANY requests for change and they tend to view all such requests as CRITICISM. At that time, the wife is classified as the ENEMY and none of her requests are given any validity. The DA often runs off to find 'comfort' for his emotional pain through contact with other females who he will then imagine 'likes' him. This can be done with porn actresses in videos or it can be done face to face with women he sees on the street or in shops, at the beach, at church, in advertisements - anywhere. The fantasy, the mental medication becomes a habit that often converts with practice into an addictive behaviour.
People who have avoidant attachment injuries are more prone to cheat because they have never experienced the neurotransmitters that are released during a stable, loving relationship. Adam Lane-Smith reveals the biochemistry in the following video.
Along with the biochemical factors, "JimmyOnRelationships" (Jimmy Knowles) describes further emotional factors.
Cheating - it's a choice,
but we're being programmed and manipulated daily
to make the choice to cheat.
but we're being programmed and manipulated daily
to make the choice to cheat.
Men and women in western societies are all targeted from birth to play their role in our predominately pornified society.
Males are bombarded constantly with messages that they should regard females predominantly only in one way - as providers of sexual arousal.
Females are bombarded constantly with messages that they have no value outside of providing men with opportunities for sexual arousal, primarily visually, so they must focus their attention, money and efforts on making themselves appear as sexually attractive/arousing as possible at all times.
By the time a male is in his mid teens, he is de-sensitised to seeing pornographic images. He believes that 'all men do porn' and that the resulting hypersexuality, is a normal condition. He is also likely suffering from an addiction to porn, perhaps to strip bars and prostitutes too. Men can become so de-sensitised to seeing sexually provocative women on a daily basis that they are no longer aware of the inappropriateness of being sexually aroused outside of an emotionally intimate relationship. Eventually it is common that men will regard all women as sexual providers, only having value based on their appearance. The capacity of a woman to be a true friend, business partner, intelligent being, is not even considered. Within the pornified society, men are not educated to value emotional intimacy with either males or females. Males are instead manipulated to become users of women. Women are regarded as sexual objects to be used by men for sexual purposes. Women are regarded like toys or like a car, or like a sport - to be evaluated on the qualities that will bring the owner/user, the most satisfaction. Females are simply objects or items to be used to provide males primarily with sexual pleasure. Emotionally healthy men don't treat/use woman as sexual providers. They can treat women as whole people.
Women become de-sensitised to being devalued. They are groomed to present themselves as being sexually provocative visually in public. Make-up, short skirts, low necklines, mid-riff revealing tops, super short shorts, high heeled shoes etc all are accessories used by women to increase their sexually enhancing appeal to men. If a man looks admiringly at a sexually provocatively clothed woman, the woman gains a power hit - a dopamine hit - from his visual attention. The male's attention momentarily assures the female that she has some value. An emotionally healthy woman knows she has innate value and does not need affirmations from the gaze of male strangers.
Males are bombarded constantly with messages that they should regard females predominantly only in one way - as providers of sexual arousal.
Females are bombarded constantly with messages that they have no value outside of providing men with opportunities for sexual arousal, primarily visually, so they must focus their attention, money and efforts on making themselves appear as sexually attractive/arousing as possible at all times.
By the time a male is in his mid teens, he is de-sensitised to seeing pornographic images. He believes that 'all men do porn' and that the resulting hypersexuality, is a normal condition. He is also likely suffering from an addiction to porn, perhaps to strip bars and prostitutes too. Men can become so de-sensitised to seeing sexually provocative women on a daily basis that they are no longer aware of the inappropriateness of being sexually aroused outside of an emotionally intimate relationship. Eventually it is common that men will regard all women as sexual providers, only having value based on their appearance. The capacity of a woman to be a true friend, business partner, intelligent being, is not even considered. Within the pornified society, men are not educated to value emotional intimacy with either males or females. Males are instead manipulated to become users of women. Women are regarded as sexual objects to be used by men for sexual purposes. Women are regarded like toys or like a car, or like a sport - to be evaluated on the qualities that will bring the owner/user, the most satisfaction. Females are simply objects or items to be used to provide males primarily with sexual pleasure. Emotionally healthy men don't treat/use woman as sexual providers. They can treat women as whole people.
Women become de-sensitised to being devalued. They are groomed to present themselves as being sexually provocative visually in public. Make-up, short skirts, low necklines, mid-riff revealing tops, super short shorts, high heeled shoes etc all are accessories used by women to increase their sexually enhancing appeal to men. If a man looks admiringly at a sexually provocatively clothed woman, the woman gains a power hit - a dopamine hit - from his visual attention. The male's attention momentarily assures the female that she has some value. An emotionally healthy woman knows she has innate value and does not need affirmations from the gaze of male strangers.
Cheating is a logical, progressive extension
of accepting sexually abusive beliefs.
Beliefs produce thoughts.
Thoughts produce feelings.
Feelings produce actions.
Actions produce consequences.
of accepting sexually abusive beliefs.
Beliefs produce thoughts.
Thoughts produce feelings.
Feelings produce actions.
Actions produce consequences.
It is Vital to Examine Your Beliefs About Sex
Cheating always involves deception and betrayal of trust and loss of integrity. Sadly, many people who are searching to be valued, reach outside or step out to become entangled in an emotional or sexual affair without the knowledge or consent of their partner. At the time, the participants in the affair can only see the supposed 'benefits' of having their needs met, but they fail to see that affairs do not deliver positive feelings (which are only a temporary 'fix'), but also deliver a hefty, death blow to the current relationship.
When logically considering the pros and cons
of entering into an affair,
the cons win every single time.
If a person believes that they married 'wrong' and they are terminally unhappy in their relationship and they want to be done with the marriage, then finish the marriage PRIOR to entering into any other relationship. At least the integrity of both partners is preserved.
If you have cheated, or have been cheated upon, please know that you can find help in "Healing the Wound," "Wounded Not Wicked," and "Powerless? Wot Rot!" These pages deal with the betrayal that is the hardest aspect to heal of an affair of any kind.
If you have cheated, or have been cheated upon, please know that you can find help in "Healing the Wound," "Wounded Not Wicked," and "Powerless? Wot Rot!" These pages deal with the betrayal that is the hardest aspect to heal of an affair of any kind.