ARE WE WIRED TO BE WEIRD? or WIRED TO BE WOUNDED?
All human beings are designed to operate on love. We function best when we give and receive love. When our fuel of love isn't available to top up our emotional tank, we don't function well in community. We are not wired to be weird, but we will do weird things when a lack of love, wounds us and drives us to meet the need in any way we can. Sometimes we can only substitute the need for genuine love with pseudo-love. Pseudo-love has the appearance of intimacy and the idea of being valuable and powerful, but it is non-genuine and will not meet the need for love. Just like a toxic chemical cloggs up the brains receptors for essential nutrients, so psuedo-love blocks the love-receptors in our emotions. Tragically many men especially, don't even realise when they are wounded from lack of love. Due to society's conditioning and stereo-typing of men to be seen as powerful, invincible and impervious to pain , men learn that 'big boys don't cry' and not to be a 'sissy' by enjoying 'female' activities or 'talking like a girl.' Men have been conditioned to avoid expressing their true emotions as they are taught harshly that to do so will result in pain - emotional, mental and often physical pain. Boys who express their tender emotions will be attacked as being weak and feminine. They risk being bullied, mocked and abused. Boys quickly learn to protect themselves by closing down their emotional selves, with the effect that, as adults men do not realise that they are emotionally wounded. They don't understand that they are emotionally wounded or that they are not functioning as a whole person. They are inexplicibly drawn to porn or other non-emotionally intimate but sexually explicit activities. These injured men wonder why porn has such a 'pull' on them. They don't recognise their great unmet need to receive nurturing and a feeling of being valued, but these needs are often the driving force behind a compulsion to seek out physical/sexual 'closeness' without the risk of emotional intimacy. The sexual context projects a (fake) feeling of intimacy, of feeling powerful and valued. The man believes that for few short minutes, he is the 'mega-man' who overpowers, penetrates and satisfies the weaker, needy person who is exposed in the image. The man's intimate and emotional connection with women outside of porn and sexualised imagery is non-existent. Receiving love satisfies. Receiving pseudo-love cannot satisfy and the urge continues to compel a man to try to meet that desperate need to be valued, cherished and loved.
When love is not received, it is very painful. When the situation continues, a person can decide that they will never expose themselves (be vulnerable) to emotional pain again that accompanies the expression of emotions that is necessary in the search for emotional intimacy. Men learn not to risk showing their emotions and when they try to start a relationship with a woman, many men don't realise that they are already disabled. They claim that they don't understand women who are 'emotional' creatures. They value being a 'real man' who is not so weak as to express his emotions. The handicap that wounded men take into a relationship can be severe and even more so when that man has formed the habit of dodging emotional connection and finding pseudo-relationship and sexual satisfaction through a compulsion with porn. Porn is sexually abusive to all the participants, including the viewers, whether it is 'soft' porn or otherwise. A person who can't recognise that porn is sexually abusive is in serious emotional confusion and perhaps in denial also.
Being comfortable with committing sexually abusive acts, requires that a person becomes selfish. In order to be selfish, a person has to develop a lack of empathy and concern for how his/her actions effect another person. If we can understand why and how a person becomes focused on their own sexual 'needs' to the exclusion of another person's needs, we might be able to predict and hopefully prevent the development of seriously troubled sexual offenders.
What factors are necessary to culture selfishness? Why does the selfish person decide to focus on being selfish? What is the source of the disorder?
We have to consider the persistent question, 'Is it Nature or Nurture' that causes a person to develop personality or social interactive disorders? Is it genetics or the environment? Are sexually abusive people born or are they cultured? Or is it a case of an overlap of genetics and the environment or something else?
Lack of nurturing - (i.e. a lack of validation of personal value) is a proven cause that prevents normal development of empathy. The video called, "How to Create a Bully" demonstrates this process very well.
When a child is bullied, they often lose their sense of self worth (as do many women when they are sexually abused by 'working' in porn). The bullied child wrongly believes that because the bully is more powerful, he/she has more value. The logical conclusion is that the bullied child needs to become powerful. He/she needs to find a weaker victim to bully or overpower. Porn provides many victims. In the typical scenario, it is a boy who is bullied and when he seeks a 'weaker' target, porn provides him with multiple options of women, girls, boys, babies and animals. When these individuals are presented as the weaker victims, the disempowered person is enabled to become a bully himself. He begins to feel a false sense of power and sense an artificial increase in his self worth. The sense of power is however, only temporary and the act of bullying someone else, injures his deep-seated, emotional wounds even further as he/she feels guilt and shame. Repeated bullying causes only increases the internal stress. He needs to find a quick solution and seems to forget that the act of disempowering someone has created more problems and not solved the original problem of his loss of self-worth. His original, faulty belief system is not recognised and so the cycle continues.
Abuse is at the Root of Porn
Anneke Lucas, enslaved as a child sex slave at age 6 until 11. Anneke found compassion for her psychopathic torturers and researched what events in their childhood caused them to transfer their feelings of rage and frustration against her and other children. This survivor presents an extremely interesting Ted Talk.
Anneke says, "Anyone asking for attention, is really asking for LOVE. If we can remember this when we see loud or inappropriate behavior, we can make a difference by our presence and acceptance alone."
Narcissism People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are individuals who present with social and occupational impairment and who also suffer from subjective distress. Other people can display narcissistic traits which are demonstrated as being self-focused, arrogant, grandiose (or vulnerable) who lack empathy and feel entitled to have their perceived needs met.
True narcissists believe they are smarter, more beautiful/handsome etc and that those qualities confer special entitlement upon them. In a surprising twist, narcissists at their core, suffer from low self-esteem or low self worth. They believe they are of low value, so they are driven to find value in the attentions and demonstrations of others. The 'others' supply the narcissist's 'need' for approval and value. This 'supply' of admiration and approval is what causes the narcissist to focus on trying to 'blow his/her own trumpet.' The arrogant boasting is an effort to gain value from others.
The need to feel valued, important and powerful are relentless drivers that often push the narcissist toward porn. The domination of women, comparison with other men's bodies seem to temporarily provide a source of supply to narcissistic men. Narcissistic women dominate men and feel powerful when they wear predatory clothing or 'perform' sexually arousing dances or actions and thus receive admiration and approval. Inside narcissists of both genders exist people who do not think they are 'good enough.'
At the core of other serious personality disorders appear the same core belief and accompanying feels of being 'not good enough.' As the stress increases without any healing love, The narcissist tends to become socially isolated when loving people recognise how damaging his/her beahviour is to their relationship and withdraw from association with him/her. Sadly, some empaths try for decades to 'cure' the narcissist with bountiful donations of love, but this strategy rarely succeeds. The empathetic person is injured and their self-esteem severely injured as a result.
Antisocial Personality Disorder Sociopaths and Psychopaths are terms that are not found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Doctors don’t officially diagnose people as psychopaths or sociopaths. Instead, these people are diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.
Like narcissists, sociopaths often blame other people and give excuses for their behavior. Some experts describe sociopaths as being 'hot-headed.' They act without thinking how others will be affected, whereas psychopaths tend to be more 'cold-hearted' and calculating in their actions. They carefully plot their moves, and use aggression as part of their plan to get what they want. Only of course, love cannot be bought, sold or forced, so the psychopath's greatest plans never produce the love that his/her inner core craves.
All of us need to give love, but also to receive love. Without love, the indulgence of self and the drive to receive our self-worth and value from others, becomes relentless. That's why some of us become weird, but just one person who expresses their love for us can turn that around.
Richard Ramirez Richard Ramirez was on death row for 23 years for committing multiple, sadistic, sexual murders. It is claimed by a prison 'friend' that Richard could not achieve sexual satisfaction without it being accompanied by extreme violence. Richard blamed himself for having these problems and believed it was his choice. He commented that society is evil, but he doesn't seem to connect the manipulation of pornified society with the effect it had on his mind and how it was anchored to and hijacked his true sexuality. Richard stated, "I don't care about myself. I never did."
It appears that feeling worthless (unvalued) is again an important factor in the lives of troubled and maladjusted people. Worthlessness seems to accompany being disempowered as a child or youth. Those who are important in our lives, such as parents and people in authority over us, are usually the sources we can depend on to value us and to empower us through their love. Being valued (through being loved), empowers a person. If we are deprived of love, we might assume that we do not have value, because if we did have value, others would demonstrate it to us. Therefore those in power over us can disempower us through withholding demonstrations of love which if expressed, would reassure us of our value.
When we are shown love, we feel that we have value and we feel empowered because what we think or say, matters to others.
Emotional pain that is based on not having value to others and to oneself, can lead a person to attempt to deal with that pain or to escape from feeling that pain, through sexual 'relief.' Pornified society links power with sexual behaviour. The more violent the action, the more powerful is the performer. So now, in order to feel valued injured people are drawn to displaying violent, sexual behaviour. The sexual behaviour then is unable to be separated from the violence, and the violence becomes 'necessary' (in that conditioned state) to obtain sexual 'satisfaction.' Disempowered, unvalued, unloved people temporarily feel powerful, sexual satisfaction and relief after violently and sexually attacking their victim.
The pornified society has manipulated the disempowered, unvalued, unloved person to find sexual 'satisfaction' from disempowering others, violently and sexually - a serial sexual offender. Violence is anchored to sexual behaviour and both are combined to make the person feel empowered.
If the emotionally injured person identifies sexual abuse linked to a particular person (eg mother, father etc) revenge/pay back might also effect the victims selected by the serial, sexual offender/murderer as in the case of Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy was emotionally wounded when he experienced rejection by a woman of whom he was very fond. Was it simply a coincidence that all his many sexual attacks and murders were very similar in appearance to that of his former girlfriend?