The Core Sore
In abusive or neglectful childhoods, the small child was repeatedly hurt by his/her parents though not receiving love. Receiving love convinces the child that they are important, unique, irreplaceable - very loved - by the parents for no reason other than for being their child.
When emotional validation of this child's worth is not supplied, then the pain of being unloved is excruciating. The hurting child is motivated to avoid feeling that pain of being abandoned, not being valued, or being neglected if at all possible. The need to be valued causes feelings that motivate the child to actively seek emotional closeness, emotional intimacy and emotional safety with firstly the mother but then also from the father and siblings in the immediate family. These vital needs, necessary to establish a sense of self-worth, can only be met through being involved in a trusting relationship with others.
A child might have to endure being denied the reassurance that they are very loved. In fact the child might have to endure being repeatedly told and therefore convinced that they are worthless, useless, a burden, a mistake, ugly, stupid and other forms of implied hatred. A parent's angry projections can be aimed at the child and subconsciously the child attaches these projections to him/herself with life-long negative consequences.
The source of the addiction to porn in many men, is most often difficult to recognise because the person has learnt to suppress all feelings and emotions (except for anger).
Along with the suppression of negative feelings, positive feelings are also suppressed. Unmet emotional needs, with their resultant pain, cause a drawing to porn. In the fantasy of porn, instead of being mocked and rejected, a man can convince himself that he is desired, he is emotionally safe from being 'attacked' or humiliated or abandoned or rejected. This feeling of emotional security is based in fact, because the porn actress can't interact with him in any way for communication is only in the man's imagination. He controls the script and the plot. He retains power over the woman. He does not have to become vulnerable and he does not have to take the risk of trusting the actress. In a normal 'real' relationship, the man would have to try to overcome his fear of rejection and trust the woman with freedom of choice in how she treats him. He needs to be exposed to the fear of the woman being empowered and that she can reject him, mock him, abandon him, laugh at him, compare him to others etc. The emotionally injured, unhealed man does not have a stable self-esteem to be able to buffer what he considers to be horrific emotional assaults. He wants to protect himself against what he considers to be a powerful and dangerous woman. He projects the character traits of his unloving mother onto the 'challenging' woman. As a child, his unloving mother was fearful and he was unable to win against her. Now, as he project his mother's traits onto other 'scary' and powerful women - he imagines that they too will also reject, mock and abandon him. His life mission at least in all his romantic relationships, can be focused on dis-empowering the woman to ensure that he avoids emotional pain in the relationship. Many men learn to use sexual abuse as a tool to conquer and dis-empower a woman when she is really no threat to the men at all.
Porn dis-empowers women. It robs them of their dignity, their privacy, uniqueness and elegance. When a man 'uses' porn, he often has anger issues against women, stemming from the core sore of his mother wound. The attachment injury caused by the lack of maternal love, creates anger and even rage. Porn supplies the outlet for his hatred of his mother, that is projected onto other women.
Porn is not healing for emotionally injured men. Porn exacerbates the wound by causing further negative thoughts about women that are not true at all. Porn lives in the core sore - and demands to be calmed with imagined external validation of their worth from the porn actresses. An emotionally stable man does not need or even desire external validation of his worth from strangers. He knows his own worth. It's not based on his bank balance, his employment, his status in the community or on his body count. His worth is based on who he is - his character. If a woman 'rejects' him, he is not devastated. He appreciates the woman revealing that they have different values and goals and he is happy to stop pursuing a relationship with her. He doesn't want to stay with a woman who would not be equally devoted to him. His strong self-esteem protects himself against anything that other insecure men might perceive as being 'rejection' because he was 'not good enough.' He is of course, plenty good enough and smart enough to recognise a non-match when he sees that values and goals are not similar.
Healing the core sore - the mother wound - or in women, healing the father wound - is vital work that needs to be done in order to overcome the poison of porn.
We can help if you want to reach out.
Anonymous is fine with us.
Free service.
No shame, no blame.
When emotional validation of this child's worth is not supplied, then the pain of being unloved is excruciating. The hurting child is motivated to avoid feeling that pain of being abandoned, not being valued, or being neglected if at all possible. The need to be valued causes feelings that motivate the child to actively seek emotional closeness, emotional intimacy and emotional safety with firstly the mother but then also from the father and siblings in the immediate family. These vital needs, necessary to establish a sense of self-worth, can only be met through being involved in a trusting relationship with others.
A child might have to endure being denied the reassurance that they are very loved. In fact the child might have to endure being repeatedly told and therefore convinced that they are worthless, useless, a burden, a mistake, ugly, stupid and other forms of implied hatred. A parent's angry projections can be aimed at the child and subconsciously the child attaches these projections to him/herself with life-long negative consequences.
The source of the addiction to porn in many men, is most often difficult to recognise because the person has learnt to suppress all feelings and emotions (except for anger).
Along with the suppression of negative feelings, positive feelings are also suppressed. Unmet emotional needs, with their resultant pain, cause a drawing to porn. In the fantasy of porn, instead of being mocked and rejected, a man can convince himself that he is desired, he is emotionally safe from being 'attacked' or humiliated or abandoned or rejected. This feeling of emotional security is based in fact, because the porn actress can't interact with him in any way for communication is only in the man's imagination. He controls the script and the plot. He retains power over the woman. He does not have to become vulnerable and he does not have to take the risk of trusting the actress. In a normal 'real' relationship, the man would have to try to overcome his fear of rejection and trust the woman with freedom of choice in how she treats him. He needs to be exposed to the fear of the woman being empowered and that she can reject him, mock him, abandon him, laugh at him, compare him to others etc. The emotionally injured, unhealed man does not have a stable self-esteem to be able to buffer what he considers to be horrific emotional assaults. He wants to protect himself against what he considers to be a powerful and dangerous woman. He projects the character traits of his unloving mother onto the 'challenging' woman. As a child, his unloving mother was fearful and he was unable to win against her. Now, as he project his mother's traits onto other 'scary' and powerful women - he imagines that they too will also reject, mock and abandon him. His life mission at least in all his romantic relationships, can be focused on dis-empowering the woman to ensure that he avoids emotional pain in the relationship. Many men learn to use sexual abuse as a tool to conquer and dis-empower a woman when she is really no threat to the men at all.
Porn dis-empowers women. It robs them of their dignity, their privacy, uniqueness and elegance. When a man 'uses' porn, he often has anger issues against women, stemming from the core sore of his mother wound. The attachment injury caused by the lack of maternal love, creates anger and even rage. Porn supplies the outlet for his hatred of his mother, that is projected onto other women.
Porn is not healing for emotionally injured men. Porn exacerbates the wound by causing further negative thoughts about women that are not true at all. Porn lives in the core sore - and demands to be calmed with imagined external validation of their worth from the porn actresses. An emotionally stable man does not need or even desire external validation of his worth from strangers. He knows his own worth. It's not based on his bank balance, his employment, his status in the community or on his body count. His worth is based on who he is - his character. If a woman 'rejects' him, he is not devastated. He appreciates the woman revealing that they have different values and goals and he is happy to stop pursuing a relationship with her. He doesn't want to stay with a woman who would not be equally devoted to him. His strong self-esteem protects himself against anything that other insecure men might perceive as being 'rejection' because he was 'not good enough.' He is of course, plenty good enough and smart enough to recognise a non-match when he sees that values and goals are not similar.
Healing the core sore - the mother wound - or in women, healing the father wound - is vital work that needs to be done in order to overcome the poison of porn.
We can help if you want to reach out.
Anonymous is fine with us.
Free service.
No shame, no blame.
