(Updated 10/08/2025)
Origin of Shame
Calm Before the Storm
Betrayal - Sourced in Shame
When a man or woman goes through the process of finding out that their partner has been unfaithful to him/her, either with porn or with other in-person contacts, there are many emotions experienced.
While each person's responses might differ, it is probable that a storm of emotions will erupt. Disbelief, shock, incredulity, insecurity, anger, resentment, revenge. In fact, the condition labelled as Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) recognises the intense psychological impact of intimate, relationship betrayal. Betrayal can cause intense emotional and psychological distress which is experienced after discovering a partner's infidelity. The effects on the betrayed spouse is not to be minimised.
Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Founder of Affair Recovery, Rick Reynolds studied war veterans who were suffering PTSD from 'single incident trauma' while on active duty in Afghanistan. He found that "the most severe trauma didn't come from being blown up in a Humvee; it was if they were betrayed while they were overseas."
Dr Reynolds research revealed that betrayed spouses experienced PTSD more severely than veterans who had been wounded while on active duty. Perhaps this is because soldiers already expected to be hated and attacked by the enemy, but it was a complete shock when the attack came from a loved and trusted partner. The severity of betrayal on a trusting spouse, is well demonstrated by that Rick Reynold's research. https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1AzVMD7JqP/?mibextid=wwXIfr
One has to wonder, along with many betrayed spouses, "Given that the consequences of being betrayed by an intimate partner are so intense, what kind of person would intentionally do such a vile act of betrayal to someone they supposedly love?"
To answer that question, we need to study the origins of the people who commit the act of betrayal.
While each person's responses might differ, it is probable that a storm of emotions will erupt. Disbelief, shock, incredulity, insecurity, anger, resentment, revenge. In fact, the condition labelled as Post Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) recognises the intense psychological impact of intimate, relationship betrayal. Betrayal can cause intense emotional and psychological distress which is experienced after discovering a partner's infidelity. The effects on the betrayed spouse is not to be minimised.
Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Founder of Affair Recovery, Rick Reynolds studied war veterans who were suffering PTSD from 'single incident trauma' while on active duty in Afghanistan. He found that "the most severe trauma didn't come from being blown up in a Humvee; it was if they were betrayed while they were overseas."
Dr Reynolds research revealed that betrayed spouses experienced PTSD more severely than veterans who had been wounded while on active duty. Perhaps this is because soldiers already expected to be hated and attacked by the enemy, but it was a complete shock when the attack came from a loved and trusted partner. The severity of betrayal on a trusting spouse, is well demonstrated by that Rick Reynold's research. https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1AzVMD7JqP/?mibextid=wwXIfr
One has to wonder, along with many betrayed spouses, "Given that the consequences of being betrayed by an intimate partner are so intense, what kind of person would intentionally do such a vile act of betrayal to someone they supposedly love?"
To answer that question, we need to study the origins of the people who commit the act of betrayal.
Mother/Father Wounds
Mother Wound
"The mother wound refers to emotional trauma that arises from a mother's inability to provide adequate emotional support or nurturing to her child, leading to feelings of unworthiness and abandonment. This can significantly impact a person's self-esteem and relationships throughout their life." Psychology Today attachmentproject.com
According to VeryWellMind.com common indicators include:
- Low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness;
- Difficulty in forming healthy relationships;
- A constant need for approval or perfection;
- Emotional struggles, such as anxiety or depression
Father Wound
Novelle Counselling summarises the Father Wound
The term "Father Wound" refers to the emotional pain caused by an absent, abusive, neglectful, or emotionally unavailable father.... Even if they are physically present, some fathers may be emotionally distant, critical, or unable to offer the love and support their child needs. https://www.novocounselling.com.au/journal/the-father-wound-understanding-its-impact
The emotional damage resulting from a Father Wound can leave children feeling "faulty," as if there is something defective about them. They believe they are "not good enough," unworthy, unloved and thus develop an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. They are attracted to nurturing women in order to feel emotionally safe. He easily slips into victim mode, take mode, survival mode. Pete McLean explains this quite well here: https://www.facebook.com/reel/773820755010326
Common Indicators Include:
The emotional damage resulting from a Father Wound can leave children feeling "faulty," as if there is something defective about them. They believe they are "not good enough," unworthy, unloved and thus develop an intense fear of abandonment and rejection. They are attracted to nurturing women in order to feel emotionally safe. He easily slips into victim mode, take mode, survival mode. Pete McLean explains this quite well here: https://www.facebook.com/reel/773820755010326
Common Indicators Include:
- Trust Issues - Difficulty trusting others, especially in romantic relationships;
- Fearful of rejection or abandonment;
- Low Self-Esteem - Feelings of inadequacy or believing they need to be perfect to be accepted;
- Seeking External Validation - constantly having to receive validation of their worth from others, often from strangers;
- Difficulty with Authority - developing an anti-social attitude where the rules don't apply to them, or the opposite trait of being fearful of authority.
Mother-wounds and father-wounds can develop in the same child who originates from a dysfunctional home. The child lacks both a loving mother and a loving father. This child might also be subject to abuse from both parents and siblings.
Such an abused, emotionally and often physically deprived child develops a core belief, that he/she is completely defective and therefore unlovable and that core belief of shame causes excruciating emotional pain.
Such an abused, emotionally and often physically deprived child develops a core belief, that he/she is completely defective and therefore unlovable and that core belief of shame causes excruciating emotional pain.
To treat the problem of 'not being good enough,' many emotionally deprived children become sub-consciously driven to seek reassurance of their value from others, even strangers. The goal of obtaining external validation shapes their entire lives, from childhood to their adulthood.
When the strategy to obtain a sense of their own value from strangers fails, as it invariably does, the growing child often turns to drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity or to pornography to numb their emotional pain.
When the strategy to obtain a sense of their own value from strangers fails, as it invariably does, the growing child often turns to drugs, alcohol, sexual promiscuity or to pornography to numb their emotional pain.
In romantic relationships this emotionally needy person repeats the dysfunctional patterns he/she learned as a child.
Both emotionally deprived men and women can develop mother/father wounds, and both genders often develop sexualised strategies to try to relieve themselves of their feelings of low self-worth.
Both emotionally deprived men and women can develop mother/father wounds, and both genders often develop sexualised strategies to try to relieve themselves of their feelings of low self-worth.
Responding to Betrayal
Emotions are not evil or bad. They do not need to be suppressed or ignored, but because they are extremely powerful, they need mindful guidance.
Realising the mother/father wounds that a husband suffered as a child, doesn’t erase the pain of being betrayed, but it helps guide the path to recovery. The depth of the destruction is not negated. It is recognised in all its ugliness, but it does not have to mean the end of the the relationship if both husband and wife are prepared to investigate the thinking and emotions that led to the action of betrayal.
Realising the mother/father wounds that a husband suffered as a child, doesn’t erase the pain of being betrayed, but it helps guide the path to recovery. The depth of the destruction is not negated. It is recognised in all its ugliness, but it does not have to mean the end of the the relationship if both husband and wife are prepared to investigate the thinking and emotions that led to the action of betrayal.
Women
An emotionally deprived woman who carries a mother/father wound wants to have her value affirmed by men and even other women. She will often dress provocatively to attract what she considers to be positive sexualised attention from men. She draws attention to her body shape in order to entice men to become sexually aroused. She feels valued when she observes a man looking lustfully at her body. This woman is not a 'whore.' She is desperate to be valued as a whole person, including her character, but such healthy validation was not given to her as a child. She continues to present that part of herself that does gain what she believes is positive attention and approval. It is always sexualised attention while the character 'flaws' are hidden and/or denied. She longs to have her whole value confirmed. That affirmation should have been given to her by her parents, as her birthright. Because it was never received as a child, the need to receive validation of her intrinsic worth, propels her to seek its fulfillment as an adult. The only option for a woman to receive validation quickly, is to present a sexualised appearance. The evidence that emotionally injured women present themselves in this sexualised way can be seen in the popularity of Only Fans, commercialised pornography and amateur pornography.
Women who protest that they 'love' being sexually used in porn videos or in Only Fans might consider what it is that they find so motivating. Is it:
An emotionally deprived woman who carries a mother/father wound wants to have her value affirmed by men and even other women. She will often dress provocatively to attract what she considers to be positive sexualised attention from men. She draws attention to her body shape in order to entice men to become sexually aroused. She feels valued when she observes a man looking lustfully at her body. This woman is not a 'whore.' She is desperate to be valued as a whole person, including her character, but such healthy validation was not given to her as a child. She continues to present that part of herself that does gain what she believes is positive attention and approval. It is always sexualised attention while the character 'flaws' are hidden and/or denied. She longs to have her whole value confirmed. That affirmation should have been given to her by her parents, as her birthright. Because it was never received as a child, the need to receive validation of her intrinsic worth, propels her to seek its fulfillment as an adult. The only option for a woman to receive validation quickly, is to present a sexualised appearance. The evidence that emotionally injured women present themselves in this sexualised way can be seen in the popularity of Only Fans, commercialised pornography and amateur pornography.
Women who protest that they 'love' being sexually used in porn videos or in Only Fans might consider what it is that they find so motivating. Is it:
- receiving physical sensation of genital stimulation by engaging in emotionally disconnected sexual activity with a multitude of hook-up participants, none of whom care about her? (She is seeking en masse external validation and approval of her desirability and sexual 'skills' from many strangers/men);
- causing strangers/men to experience positive genital stimulation (She is seeking external validation and male approval of her sexual 'skills');
- believing she receives empowerment of being desired? (She is seeking external validation of her worth and power over easily manipulated men);
- being paid large sums of money; (She believes the large sums of money confirm and validate her worth and empower her against needing a husband to 'keep' her)
- the dopamine hit gained when receiving 'positive' attention from lustful males (She is seeking external validation of her worth, based only on her sexual appeal);
- control over men who she actually despises for using her (She is seeking empowerment over her enemies) or
- flattering words and embraces she receives from hook-up men who are using her when they tell her how desirable she is? (She is seeking comfort, despite knowing she is being sexually abused and used)
Men
Emotional injured men can also form or repeat patterns they observed done by their father. Specific sexually dysfunctional patterns might have been subconsciously learned by the child at home. In a futile attempt to gain external validation, the child re-enacts the faulty pattern. One such commonly observed pattern is described below.
The young man is motivated to try to have his emotional needs met in unhealthy ways because he doesn’t know how to do so in healthy ways. He is unconsciously motivated to stifle the emotional pain of knowing that he is not good enough; he’s a burden that no-one wants; he’s ugly; a "no-hoper."
How could he present himself to any prospective female partner, when he has absolutely nothing to offer her? He imagines that all the 'nice' women are 'out of his league' but he knows that she is exactly the type of woman he 'needs' to increase his status. He is terrified she will expose his real negative value - his shame, but his intense desire to escape his shame motivates him to continue trying to 'secure' the praise and validation of a woman.
If a sexually attractive woman shows interest in him, he feels jubilant and externally validated because the pain of 'being a loser' is temporarily numbed. The man plays the 'cassanova' game with the interested woman and usually tries to rush her into 'having sex.' He believes that sexual connection will bind her to him emotionally and that at last, he will feel emotionally safe. He believes that he will be protected from abandonment and rejection.
The 'being secure' outcome is a fantasy (most often) as a woman who is so easily persuaded to have an emotionally disconnected sexual connection, often has many father-wounds of her own.
Emotional injured men can also form or repeat patterns they observed done by their father. Specific sexually dysfunctional patterns might have been subconsciously learned by the child at home. In a futile attempt to gain external validation, the child re-enacts the faulty pattern. One such commonly observed pattern is described below.
The young man is motivated to try to have his emotional needs met in unhealthy ways because he doesn’t know how to do so in healthy ways. He is unconsciously motivated to stifle the emotional pain of knowing that he is not good enough; he’s a burden that no-one wants; he’s ugly; a "no-hoper."
How could he present himself to any prospective female partner, when he has absolutely nothing to offer her? He imagines that all the 'nice' women are 'out of his league' but he knows that she is exactly the type of woman he 'needs' to increase his status. He is terrified she will expose his real negative value - his shame, but his intense desire to escape his shame motivates him to continue trying to 'secure' the praise and validation of a woman.
If a sexually attractive woman shows interest in him, he feels jubilant and externally validated because the pain of 'being a loser' is temporarily numbed. The man plays the 'cassanova' game with the interested woman and usually tries to rush her into 'having sex.' He believes that sexual connection will bind her to him emotionally and that at last, he will feel emotionally safe. He believes that he will be protected from abandonment and rejection.
The 'being secure' outcome is a fantasy (most often) as a woman who is so easily persuaded to have an emotionally disconnected sexual connection, often has many father-wounds of her own.
After the initial 'relationship' begins, the woman eventually expresses her emotional needs, but the injured man views her requests as criticism of himself. He believes that he has selected the 'wrong' partner (who coincidentally reminds him of his mother) and so he emotionally distances himself from the woman with the same avoidant behaviour he used to protect himself when as a child, his mother abusively berated and criticised him.
However the woman is seeking emotional input for herself. She has come to source emotional security from him, just as he has come to find a supply of emotional security from her. Sadly, neither of them have anything to give the other. It is a take-take situation that leaves everyone empty-handed in the end.
It is not usually long before the woman leaves and the man believes he simply needs to try using the same 'swift to sex' tactics again with a different woman. Sadly, after the man experiences serial rejection from many of his relationships, he tends to build an outer barrier, a protective shell around his soft inner, emotional self. This barrier can be identified as he often projects an arrogant demeanor, whereby he tries to convince others that he is super-confident, Mr Cool, Mr Successful. He is so desperate to win external validation from others, that he can be perceived as having narcissistic traits. But, he doesn't think he's wonderful at all. He still believes that he is pathetic, so he still can't risk being 'real' and authentic. He must play the 'I'm cool" role and his need for external validation continues to drive him to seek out sexual encounters with emotionally insecure females. The man does not gloat in his promiscuous behaviour. He is convinced that he really wants 'a relationship' - a steady, safe emotionally safe environment where he won't be abandoned, rejected, criticised or made to relive his shame and worthlessness. Having multiple, disconnected sexual connections with strangers is the result of a deep, unhealed mother-wound. The man is seeking a relationship, but he hasn't got any idea of how to go about creating a safe relationship. He also has no idea how to choose a suitable partner. The tragedy is that for many years, this man simply doesn't know what he doesn't know.
He's burning his chances of making a successful relationship because he has no clue that he is badly damaged, he doesn't know that sexual connection without emotional connection is playing with fire. He doesn't know how to repair what was damaged in his childhood heart. He just knows that burning feeling, hurts.
However the woman is seeking emotional input for herself. She has come to source emotional security from him, just as he has come to find a supply of emotional security from her. Sadly, neither of them have anything to give the other. It is a take-take situation that leaves everyone empty-handed in the end.
It is not usually long before the woman leaves and the man believes he simply needs to try using the same 'swift to sex' tactics again with a different woman. Sadly, after the man experiences serial rejection from many of his relationships, he tends to build an outer barrier, a protective shell around his soft inner, emotional self. This barrier can be identified as he often projects an arrogant demeanor, whereby he tries to convince others that he is super-confident, Mr Cool, Mr Successful. He is so desperate to win external validation from others, that he can be perceived as having narcissistic traits. But, he doesn't think he's wonderful at all. He still believes that he is pathetic, so he still can't risk being 'real' and authentic. He must play the 'I'm cool" role and his need for external validation continues to drive him to seek out sexual encounters with emotionally insecure females. The man does not gloat in his promiscuous behaviour. He is convinced that he really wants 'a relationship' - a steady, safe emotionally safe environment where he won't be abandoned, rejected, criticised or made to relive his shame and worthlessness. Having multiple, disconnected sexual connections with strangers is the result of a deep, unhealed mother-wound. The man is seeking a relationship, but he hasn't got any idea of how to go about creating a safe relationship. He also has no idea how to choose a suitable partner. The tragedy is that for many years, this man simply doesn't know what he doesn't know.
He's burning his chances of making a successful relationship because he has no clue that he is badly damaged, he doesn't know that sexual connection without emotional connection is playing with fire. He doesn't know how to repair what was damaged in his childhood heart. He just knows that burning feeling, hurts.
What is Sex Good For?
Sex is Powerful
While healthy sexual connection provides a mutually safe, respectful and permanent environment for a relationship, sex can also deliver powerful negative consequences. To the unhealed, emotionally immature man or woman, poor examples in their childhood often conveyed the understanding that sex is a tool to be used as a weapon. Men use it against women and women use it against men. Sex can also be used against the same gender.
Sex can be and often is used negatively in an effort to:
Sexual connection can be used in a healthy way to bond two people who already have a genuine emotional closeness. There is no fear, adrenaline, anxiety or negative emotions in such a relationship. Sex that takes place in an emotionally safe environment, is the bonding agent that convinces a wife that her husband loves her exclusively. The husband likewise is bonded to his wife so that he truly has no inclination to imagine having sex with anyone else but his wife.
Sex can be and often is used negatively in an effort to:
- achieve emotional bonding so that a 'partner' will not abandon or reject them
- gain external validation from others;
- dominate & control others;
- disempower others while trying to empower themselves'
- inflict pain on others;
- humiliate and destroy the dignity of others;
- create jealousy;
- claim a person as their territory; and
- gain revenge on others.
Sexual connection can be used in a healthy way to bond two people who already have a genuine emotional closeness. There is no fear, adrenaline, anxiety or negative emotions in such a relationship. Sex that takes place in an emotionally safe environment, is the bonding agent that convinces a wife that her husband loves her exclusively. The husband likewise is bonded to his wife so that he truly has no inclination to imagine having sex with anyone else but his wife.
Sexual Arousal
In dysfunctional relationships, the man usually doesn’t understand his own sexual arousal system. Perhaps through abuse he experienced as a child, or perhaps through abuse from being exposed to pornography, the man is often puzzled as to what causes him to become sexually aroused. His sexual arousal system might be stimulated by seeing typically non-sexual objects or by older women, very young girls, animals or by repressed feelings such as anger/rage or by stress. It is not love that he finds sexually stimulating. He might even be impotent with his wife because sex to him has nothing to do with love. Sex is what you do to win, conquer and subdue to a woman, so you can feel as if you are the victor, dominant and in control. Sex is his attempt to decimate his shame. If the woman agrees/consents for him to have 'sex' with him then he interprets that as him being liberated from his shame - but it requires the woman to swap places with him. In the man's mind, the woman is now worth 'less' than him. He might even wonder, "Why did she let me do that to her?"
A man might become aroused by seeing a woman who he believes would evaluate him as being ‘not good enough’ for her. He has no proof of this actually being her evaluation of him, but that is his assumption. He believes that the women would reject him. The perceived rejection impacts him deeply. He might dwell on the perceived rejection and the pain it causes him and he then might build anger at the attractive woman. He might progress to thinking that he would like to 'take her down a peg or two.' He might be horrified to learn that he is thinking rapist-type thoughts; narcissistic entitled thoughts; weaponised-sex type thinking. If he can get the woman to consent to let him use his sexualised weapon on her, then she is no longer a threat to his emotional security because he has dis-empowered her. The emotional threat is safely neutralised.
Why is he sexually aroused when he doesn’t even like a particular women? He evaluates the woman as being ‘out of his league’ based purely on their appearance. He never considers to evaluate her character - is she an honest person; would she be loyal; would she be a good mother; does she share the same moral values; did she have a loving family? His only thoughts are about acquiring her permission to have sex with her so he can 'secure' her and receive the validation he seeks to feel emotionally safe.
A man might become aroused by seeing a woman who he believes would evaluate him as being ‘not good enough’ for her. He has no proof of this actually being her evaluation of him, but that is his assumption. He believes that the women would reject him. The perceived rejection impacts him deeply. He might dwell on the perceived rejection and the pain it causes him and he then might build anger at the attractive woman. He might progress to thinking that he would like to 'take her down a peg or two.' He might be horrified to learn that he is thinking rapist-type thoughts; narcissistic entitled thoughts; weaponised-sex type thinking. If he can get the woman to consent to let him use his sexualised weapon on her, then she is no longer a threat to his emotional security because he has dis-empowered her. The emotional threat is safely neutralised.
Why is he sexually aroused when he doesn’t even like a particular women? He evaluates the woman as being ‘out of his league’ based purely on their appearance. He never considers to evaluate her character - is she an honest person; would she be loyal; would she be a good mother; does she share the same moral values; did she have a loving family? His only thoughts are about acquiring her permission to have sex with her so he can 'secure' her and receive the validation he seeks to feel emotionally safe.
Is there a safe way though?
Is there a safe way though?
Yes, there often can be a safe way though,
but it's not by using the same old broken thinking
that caused the problems in the first place.
Yes, there often can be a safe way though,
but it's not by using the same old broken thinking
that caused the problems in the first place.
Toxic Shame Begins with False Thoughts
To the man with a mother wound, sex often does not represent love. It is only a weapon to dis-empower women who might reject him, even if it is only in his imagination. Because he projects his mother wound onto 'un-get-able' women, he also assumes rejection from them. He is then motivated to ‘equal’ the score. Payback. He is angry about being rejected, being put down, being told he is not good enough. It’s unjust, unfair and dis-empowering to be judged as ‘a reject’ by such powerful women (like his all-powerful mother who hated him for no reason). The man wants to dis-empower the woman but he only has one tool in his tool box. This is the same thinking as a rapist entertains. He has tried to make women ‘like’ him or approve of him, but healthy women know that he is not functioning correctly and they don’t feel drawn to him. Healthy women tend to avoid him because they pick up on the cues that he is emotionally unsafe. A rapist then abandons his efforts to try to make the woman ‘like’ him. He is then resentful and he wants revenge. While the man with a mother-wound might not entertain the thought of actual rape, his imagination can certainly play out 'consensual sex' fantasies in his mind. For him, those fantasies count as victories over the 'un-get-able' woman.
The emotionally desperate man, appears to view sex as being the means for the eradication of his shame. That is the real goal of sex. External validation from a woman shuts down his shame.
The man with the mother-wound, unlike the rapist, does not want to force himself on women, but he is resentful at being judged as unworthy. He wants women to demonstrate that they desire him, they approve of him and that he has value. He tries to persuade women to have sex with him with the ultimate aim of gaining external validation. He reasons that if women voluntarily consent to have sex with him, then they must ‘like’ him. They will approve of him, they will externally validate his worth. He reasons, “If they agree to have sex with me, then I must be good enough. If they submit to me, they must see me as being good enough.” So the man learns to be manipulative to attractive women, by using sex to obtain emotional validation of his worth.
For the same reason, this man is not interested in paying women (prostitutes) to have sexual connections with him. That transaction would make it even more obvious to him that his value is so low, that he would have to pay a woman to agree to have sex with him. That would exacerbate his shame problem. He needs the woman to desire him. If she desires him, then his shame is rebuffed. If he had to rape a woman or pay her to consent to have sex with him, then he has been rejected and judged as being unworthy of her attention.
So the drive to be convinced that he is ‘good enough’ drives him into many more sexual connections. As previously mentioned, this man makes a serious mistake when he believes that a woman would not consent to have sex with him if she didn't think he was good enough. He is blissfully unaware of women who have sex with men because they have never learned that they have a right to say 'no.' There are women who do not know they need to have boundaries around their body and their heart. There are exploitative women who are called ‘gold-diggers’ and other manipulative women who are focused on getting their own emotional and financial needs met by using sex against a gullible man. No, this mother-wounded man believes that if the woman consents to sex with him, it must mean that she thinks he is worth a lot. That is his solution to his shame problem. He thinks he just needs to find a suitable woman to shatter his shame problem through sex.
So, the man is doing serial, multiple sexual conquering on repeat. Some might think that's promiscuous, but to the man, it is his genuine effort to find the 'right' partner. The man’s sexual activity takes place with a long-term focus, but he lacks any ability to create emotional security necessary for the normal development of the relationship. The usual process is absent. There is no sussing out a woman to see if she has similar values to the man; no checking to see if she will be a good mother; a loyal partner; a good budget manager; companionable or even spiritually compatible.
The sex is not employed in order to show undying commitment and love, but to try to short-cut the entire relationship development circuit. The man wants the sex to mean that the woman now belongs to him, so he can finally feel ‘loved’ and emotionally safe from rejection or abandonment. Sadly though, sex on its own, is powerless to build an emotionally bonded relationship. Emotionally bonded relationships must begin with friendship, mutual respect and the sharing of similar values. Desperate unmet emotional needs are not the basis of a stable relationship and trying repeatedly to ‘find’ emotional fulfillment through sexual activity with many partners, just repeatedly teaches this sad lesson to the man. But he doesn’t know how else to ‘do’ relationships.
Women with a father-wound enact a similar scenario with men. The woman with a father-wound entices the man into bed, but then despises him for how he was so easily manipulated by her. She can never respect him and there is therefore no chance of a stable relationship forming between them. He will be easily led to bed by the next attractive woman that catches his eye. No women wants to only worth 'flesh' value. She wants to know that she is the special one, the unique one, the only woman who catches her husband's eye. She wants to know she can count on his loyalty, but having sex with him when they have no emotional connection is catastrophic in regards to her needs.
Healing emotional wounds means giving up control of others. It means being prepared to be able to accept that some people just aren’t suitable partners for each other. It is not devastating abandonment or rejection if a woman decides that a man is not a suitable partner for her. It is important for the man to realise that he needs to correctly evaluate a woman on her suitability to meet his needs too and that can’t be done while bodies are bonding sexually, confusing the mind.
The emotionally desperate man, appears to view sex as being the means for the eradication of his shame. That is the real goal of sex. External validation from a woman shuts down his shame.
The man with the mother-wound, unlike the rapist, does not want to force himself on women, but he is resentful at being judged as unworthy. He wants women to demonstrate that they desire him, they approve of him and that he has value. He tries to persuade women to have sex with him with the ultimate aim of gaining external validation. He reasons that if women voluntarily consent to have sex with him, then they must ‘like’ him. They will approve of him, they will externally validate his worth. He reasons, “If they agree to have sex with me, then I must be good enough. If they submit to me, they must see me as being good enough.” So the man learns to be manipulative to attractive women, by using sex to obtain emotional validation of his worth.
For the same reason, this man is not interested in paying women (prostitutes) to have sexual connections with him. That transaction would make it even more obvious to him that his value is so low, that he would have to pay a woman to agree to have sex with him. That would exacerbate his shame problem. He needs the woman to desire him. If she desires him, then his shame is rebuffed. If he had to rape a woman or pay her to consent to have sex with him, then he has been rejected and judged as being unworthy of her attention.
So the drive to be convinced that he is ‘good enough’ drives him into many more sexual connections. As previously mentioned, this man makes a serious mistake when he believes that a woman would not consent to have sex with him if she didn't think he was good enough. He is blissfully unaware of women who have sex with men because they have never learned that they have a right to say 'no.' There are women who do not know they need to have boundaries around their body and their heart. There are exploitative women who are called ‘gold-diggers’ and other manipulative women who are focused on getting their own emotional and financial needs met by using sex against a gullible man. No, this mother-wounded man believes that if the woman consents to sex with him, it must mean that she thinks he is worth a lot. That is his solution to his shame problem. He thinks he just needs to find a suitable woman to shatter his shame problem through sex.
So, the man is doing serial, multiple sexual conquering on repeat. Some might think that's promiscuous, but to the man, it is his genuine effort to find the 'right' partner. The man’s sexual activity takes place with a long-term focus, but he lacks any ability to create emotional security necessary for the normal development of the relationship. The usual process is absent. There is no sussing out a woman to see if she has similar values to the man; no checking to see if she will be a good mother; a loyal partner; a good budget manager; companionable or even spiritually compatible.
The sex is not employed in order to show undying commitment and love, but to try to short-cut the entire relationship development circuit. The man wants the sex to mean that the woman now belongs to him, so he can finally feel ‘loved’ and emotionally safe from rejection or abandonment. Sadly though, sex on its own, is powerless to build an emotionally bonded relationship. Emotionally bonded relationships must begin with friendship, mutual respect and the sharing of similar values. Desperate unmet emotional needs are not the basis of a stable relationship and trying repeatedly to ‘find’ emotional fulfillment through sexual activity with many partners, just repeatedly teaches this sad lesson to the man. But he doesn’t know how else to ‘do’ relationships.
Women with a father-wound enact a similar scenario with men. The woman with a father-wound entices the man into bed, but then despises him for how he was so easily manipulated by her. She can never respect him and there is therefore no chance of a stable relationship forming between them. He will be easily led to bed by the next attractive woman that catches his eye. No women wants to only worth 'flesh' value. She wants to know that she is the special one, the unique one, the only woman who catches her husband's eye. She wants to know she can count on his loyalty, but having sex with him when they have no emotional connection is catastrophic in regards to her needs.
Healing emotional wounds means giving up control of others. It means being prepared to be able to accept that some people just aren’t suitable partners for each other. It is not devastating abandonment or rejection if a woman decides that a man is not a suitable partner for her. It is important for the man to realise that he needs to correctly evaluate a woman on her suitability to meet his needs too and that can’t be done while bodies are bonding sexually, confusing the mind.
Old Problems Need New Solutions
Husband with a Mother/Father-Wound
What about when a man with a mother/father-wound does get married? What happens when only 3 months after the wedding, he covertly reverts back to his sexualised behaviour?
What if the wife was unaware of the husband's problem with the mother-wound? What if she doesn't discover his disloyalty until several years into their marriage? Such a discovery is devastating to her. She might decide to bail out of the marriage and that's her choice of course.
However, if the wife recognises that the husband carries an unrecognised, untreated and unhealed mother/father wound and she understands why the husband has behaved in the old familiar patterns, she might decide to have compassion and try to support her husband in the healing process.
It might be helpful to a betrayed wife to understand that to her husband, his view of sex is not a desire to bond with other women but a subconscious attempt to avoid the intensely painful feelings of being rejected. Of course it is only helpful if the husband recognises what is motivating him to respond to other women sexually and if he truly desires to abandon his hurtful behaviour.
Her husband cannot emotionally bond with anyone through sex. That part of him is broken and he needs to learn to re-anchor his sexual stimulation onto love. Sex is about love and wanting to emotionally bond and connect to the partner. Sex is not a tool to use to conquer fears of rejection and abandonment.
With the foundational, core beliefs exposed, the ability to change aberrant sexual arousal and behaviours can be life-changing for a man who still has a puzzling mother/father-wound. Understanding the core beliefs that lead to thoughts, emotions and behaviours is the key to becoming free from compulsive sexual behaviour. Partners need to think ‘right’ so that they can feel right and act right.
What if the wife was unaware of the husband's problem with the mother-wound? What if she doesn't discover his disloyalty until several years into their marriage? Such a discovery is devastating to her. She might decide to bail out of the marriage and that's her choice of course.
However, if the wife recognises that the husband carries an unrecognised, untreated and unhealed mother/father wound and she understands why the husband has behaved in the old familiar patterns, she might decide to have compassion and try to support her husband in the healing process.
It might be helpful to a betrayed wife to understand that to her husband, his view of sex is not a desire to bond with other women but a subconscious attempt to avoid the intensely painful feelings of being rejected. Of course it is only helpful if the husband recognises what is motivating him to respond to other women sexually and if he truly desires to abandon his hurtful behaviour.
Her husband cannot emotionally bond with anyone through sex. That part of him is broken and he needs to learn to re-anchor his sexual stimulation onto love. Sex is about love and wanting to emotionally bond and connect to the partner. Sex is not a tool to use to conquer fears of rejection and abandonment.
With the foundational, core beliefs exposed, the ability to change aberrant sexual arousal and behaviours can be life-changing for a man who still has a puzzling mother/father-wound. Understanding the core beliefs that lead to thoughts, emotions and behaviours is the key to becoming free from compulsive sexual behaviour. Partners need to think ‘right’ so that they can feel right and act right.
