Page created on 16 Dec 2024
Emotional Bonding
Functional, stable, happy and mutually satisfying romantic relationships are dependent on the ability of the partners to emotionally bond.
Bonding is based on each partner's ability to trust the other partner, which in turn is dependent on both partners practicing honesty with each other.
Love, nurturing, comfort, support are all demonstrated in successful, happy relationships. These features are all in place prior to sexual activity taking place which further cements the couple's union with biological bonding chemicals such as oxytocin and vasopressin.
Bonding is based on each partner's ability to trust the other partner, which in turn is dependent on both partners practicing honesty with each other.
Love, nurturing, comfort, support are all demonstrated in successful, happy relationships. These features are all in place prior to sexual activity taking place which further cements the couple's union with biological bonding chemicals such as oxytocin and vasopressin.
Barriers to Bonding
Sadly for some people, emotional bonding is an extremely difficult process due to their childhood trauma. When a child is not loved or valued by their parents, they develop deep seated shame. They become convinced that they are defective and unlovable. They begin a life-long search to find a substitute mother or father who will meet their deep unmet emotional need for approval and validation. Most often, a partner is selected based almost entirely on the anticipation that they will be supplying the injured person with the nurture that they were deprived of by their parents. Men will often try to choose a nuturing, motherly woman as their wife, but will end up with a manipulative female instead, while women will often end up with a man whose character resembles that of her emotionally avoidant or even abusive father.
Attachment Styles
There are 3 main attachment styles that children can be classified into in regard to how they emotionally bonded with their parents.
- secure;
- anxious; and
- dismissive avoidant (DA).
Of these styles, the dismissive avoidant is most likely to have problems emotionally bonding to their partner in a romantic relationship.
The dismissive avoidant partner prefers to remain emotionally aloof and distant, fearing that if their partner gets 'too close' emotionally, the shame of being unlovable will become evident to them and they will criticise and abandon their partner. This fear motivates the dismissive avoidant partner to isolate from their loving partner and to retain what they believe is their 'independence.' In reality, their 'independence' is their fear of commitment that they believe will lead to abandonment.
Dismissive avoidants (DAs) try to convince themselves that they are 'self-sufficient' and that they can meet all their own emotional needs, but in reality they are just well practiced at suppressing their emotions or they escape facing their emotions with porn (and/or with drugs, alcohol etc).
The dismissive avoidant porn addict (DAPA) easily projects his fear of suffering emotional pain onto his romantic partner. If she tries to analyse the issue of emotional disconnection, the DA will often immediately interpret her confusion with her criticising him. He will try to escape the 'conflict' and will emotionally retreat. The DAPA will soon seek the familiar 'consolation and comfort' of porn and masturbation or other familiar avenues of escape available to him such as affairs, prostitutes or even just fantasies and dreams.
The dismissive avoidant partner prefers to remain emotionally aloof and distant, fearing that if their partner gets 'too close' emotionally, the shame of being unlovable will become evident to them and they will criticise and abandon their partner. This fear motivates the dismissive avoidant partner to isolate from their loving partner and to retain what they believe is their 'independence.' In reality, their 'independence' is their fear of commitment that they believe will lead to abandonment.
Dismissive avoidants (DAs) try to convince themselves that they are 'self-sufficient' and that they can meet all their own emotional needs, but in reality they are just well practiced at suppressing their emotions or they escape facing their emotions with porn (and/or with drugs, alcohol etc).
The dismissive avoidant porn addict (DAPA) easily projects his fear of suffering emotional pain onto his romantic partner. If she tries to analyse the issue of emotional disconnection, the DA will often immediately interpret her confusion with her criticising him. He will try to escape the 'conflict' and will emotionally retreat. The DAPA will soon seek the familiar 'consolation and comfort' of porn and masturbation or other familiar avenues of escape available to him such as affairs, prostitutes or even just fantasies and dreams.
The Poison of Porn
Porn addiction presents enormous barriers to emotional bonding. A man who has a dismissive avoidant attachment style AND who is addicted to pornography, has developed a double whammy in regards to having relationship issues.
The DAPA is most likely unaware of why he finds it so difficult to sever the tie that holds him captive to his porn habit or other sexualised habits that he relies on when he is stressed. He might not understand the connection between his fear of commitment and his 'need' to escape into the comfort of porn. He is searching for the affirmation of other women to reassure him that he is lovable, 'good enough' and sexually desirable.
The DAPA also retains his desire to practice watching porn or his other habits as he is motivated by fear of abandonment and is desperate to keep his options open. If his partner becomes 'scary' the DAPA will always have his security fantasies to escape from reality into the comfort of sexualised activity with this porn females who will nurture him, soothe him, never criticise him and never turn him away.
Porn and pornified thinking has become an artificial pacifier, like a baby's dummy to soothe the wounded spirit of the child that was never 'good enough' to be loved.
Sadly, the DAPA is completely unaware of the dynamics that have driven him to retain his affection for his source of nurture, affirmation and validation which he creates in his fantasies while watching porn and masturbating. He projects his need to be loved and valued onto the porn actresses and tells himself that this woman really loves him and would never hurt or criticise him. It is a tragic situation, but it virtually guarantees that unless this man comes to understand the real source of his addiction to porn, that he will not be able to rely on only his will power to quit the habit. He will continue to 'like looking at porn' and will have to fight the desire to watch it. If he does stop watching porn but using the 'white knuckling' method, he will likely replace that habit with more intense visual evaluations of every female he sees. The PADA thinks that he 'needs' constant affirmation from female sources, but he will be driven to seek out such affirmations of his value especially when he has an emotional 'conflict' that raises his stress levels.
The DAPA is most likely unaware of why he finds it so difficult to sever the tie that holds him captive to his porn habit or other sexualised habits that he relies on when he is stressed. He might not understand the connection between his fear of commitment and his 'need' to escape into the comfort of porn. He is searching for the affirmation of other women to reassure him that he is lovable, 'good enough' and sexually desirable.
The DAPA also retains his desire to practice watching porn or his other habits as he is motivated by fear of abandonment and is desperate to keep his options open. If his partner becomes 'scary' the DAPA will always have his security fantasies to escape from reality into the comfort of sexualised activity with this porn females who will nurture him, soothe him, never criticise him and never turn him away.
Porn and pornified thinking has become an artificial pacifier, like a baby's dummy to soothe the wounded spirit of the child that was never 'good enough' to be loved.
Sadly, the DAPA is completely unaware of the dynamics that have driven him to retain his affection for his source of nurture, affirmation and validation which he creates in his fantasies while watching porn and masturbating. He projects his need to be loved and valued onto the porn actresses and tells himself that this woman really loves him and would never hurt or criticise him. It is a tragic situation, but it virtually guarantees that unless this man comes to understand the real source of his addiction to porn, that he will not be able to rely on only his will power to quit the habit. He will continue to 'like looking at porn' and will have to fight the desire to watch it. If he does stop watching porn but using the 'white knuckling' method, he will likely replace that habit with more intense visual evaluations of every female he sees. The PADA thinks that he 'needs' constant affirmation from female sources, but he will be driven to seek out such affirmations of his value especially when he has an emotional 'conflict' that raises his stress levels.
Questions
Whether to commit to or to withdraw from the relationship must be a deliberate decision.
The question to ask oneself is:
Healing requires that a PADA must recognise WHY and HOW they are using porn, prostitution, strippers, masturbation, sexualised fantasies and evaluating female bodies as a form of emotional comfort. Porn and other behaviours are used as a kind of security-blanket/baby's pacifier and is an option to be used in emergencies when emotional stress builds and the PADA does not possess the skills to work through the discussion (conflict). While the issue remains unsolved and the DAPA uses porn, the stressful emotions are then stored in the amygdala to be added to the existing emotional trauma that has also been stored there unsolved and suppressed.
The DAPA needs to realise that the emotional problems need to be pulled out and solved. Escape strategies are not helpful and only prolong the emotional pain. Real strategies based on relationship skills are necessary to try to build an emotional bond, based on the truth and honesty with the partner.
Using someone's body to try to take from them to fill your own emotional needs is not ethical, logical or advisable. Just realising that this sad strategy is in use, is the first step to overcoming it.
The question to ask oneself is:
- "Am I ready - am I brave enough - to make a genuine commitment to GIVE myself to my partner and to trust her to WANT to meet my emotional needs?"
- Am I willing to GIVE UP my default stress relief/escape options?
Healing requires that a PADA must recognise WHY and HOW they are using porn, prostitution, strippers, masturbation, sexualised fantasies and evaluating female bodies as a form of emotional comfort. Porn and other behaviours are used as a kind of security-blanket/baby's pacifier and is an option to be used in emergencies when emotional stress builds and the PADA does not possess the skills to work through the discussion (conflict). While the issue remains unsolved and the DAPA uses porn, the stressful emotions are then stored in the amygdala to be added to the existing emotional trauma that has also been stored there unsolved and suppressed.
The DAPA needs to realise that the emotional problems need to be pulled out and solved. Escape strategies are not helpful and only prolong the emotional pain. Real strategies based on relationship skills are necessary to try to build an emotional bond, based on the truth and honesty with the partner.
Using someone's body to try to take from them to fill your own emotional needs is not ethical, logical or advisable. Just realising that this sad strategy is in use, is the first step to overcoming it.
