Alexithymia
Alexithymia is related to emotional neglect and emotional abuse in childhood. When the desired feelings of reciprocated love and of being valued are denied, feelings/emotions of being discarded, abandoned and rejected become excruciating to the young child. Not only is the child struggling to cope without the essential emotional necessities of life, such abuse is often combined with physical and mental abuse and poverty also.
When the child eventually realises that there is no-one who is going to supply his/her needs, the child develops a way of surviving the emotional pain. The child blames his/her emotional neediness. Feelings cause pain so he/she decides that feelings are to be avoided. Relationships with parents/caretakers become relationships of resentment. The adults should be meeting the child's needs but purposely are withholding the emotional necessities. That dynamic breaks the child's trust in the parents. It also builds up a mountain of anger in the child, but he/she is not safe to express that anger and resentment. The parents are immensely powerful and the child is trapped. The child can't leave the family to escape the pain. The child can't replace the parents to avoid the abuse because the child is dependent on the parents. The child has no resources to cope with the abuse, so he/she withdraws emotionally and suppresses the uncomfortable emotions. The child learns that the closer the relationship, the more excruciating pain they can inflict on him/her, so the child distances him/herself from the parents and prevents other relationships from becoming emotionally intimate. This pattern is repeated in all new relationships. True feelings must be 'controlled' (suppressed or ignored). Other people cannot be trusted so relationships must be maintained as superficial. Emotional mask-wearing becomes a necessity for survival and safety.
When the child eventually realises that there is no-one who is going to supply his/her needs, the child develops a way of surviving the emotional pain. The child blames his/her emotional neediness. Feelings cause pain so he/she decides that feelings are to be avoided. Relationships with parents/caretakers become relationships of resentment. The adults should be meeting the child's needs but purposely are withholding the emotional necessities. That dynamic breaks the child's trust in the parents. It also builds up a mountain of anger in the child, but he/she is not safe to express that anger and resentment. The parents are immensely powerful and the child is trapped. The child can't leave the family to escape the pain. The child can't replace the parents to avoid the abuse because the child is dependent on the parents. The child has no resources to cope with the abuse, so he/she withdraws emotionally and suppresses the uncomfortable emotions. The child learns that the closer the relationship, the more excruciating pain they can inflict on him/her, so the child distances him/herself from the parents and prevents other relationships from becoming emotionally intimate. This pattern is repeated in all new relationships. True feelings must be 'controlled' (suppressed or ignored). Other people cannot be trusted so relationships must be maintained as superficial. Emotional mask-wearing becomes a necessity for survival and safety.
Experiencing feelings and expressing emotions become an unwise, dangerous and fearful experience. Fear of feeling emotions that they cannot process motivates the child to suppress them. They become so feeling avoidant that eventually the child disconnects from their emotions entirely and can become unaware of having emotions and are unable to identify their own emotions or those of other people's emotions. They believe that they have no emotions and they 'feel' numb.
Sadly this is the breeding ground for Alexithymia. To the child, there is no separating the 'bad' emotions from the 'good' emotions. All emotions are 'banned' as being sources of pain and they can't be trusted to guide any decisions. Only clear 'survival' thinking - logical thinking - is permitted.
Chasing the 'feeling' of being value/loved through processing emotions verbally prove ineffective. The child can't cope with the pain of abandonment and rejection. He/she has no skills to meet the emotional need, but in time the verbal efforts to secure love are often replaced with emotionally disconnected, sexual behaviours. The young person attempts to fill the missing emotional needs by trying to secure a 'connection' using physical, sexual acts. The porn merchants swoop in to further abuse the emotionally injured young people, presenting the fantasy of consensual 'sex' with porn actresses. The fantasy includes that physically beautiful women will also donate love and nurturing to the emotionally injured men who can't secure a 'high class' woman outside of porn.
The inability to relate emotionally to others puts those who have developed Alexithymia at an incredible disadvantage. They generally experience higher rates of rejection socially because of their inability to engage and respond appropriately emotionally. The shame of being 'not good enough' and rejected intensifies the shame of being rejected as a small child. The child then often projects the resentment and anger that he/she felt toward their parents at those who reject their advances as adults. Sometimes the feelings of rage that might escape at such times, surprise and terrify them because they believe they are usually 'calm.' In reality, they are still sitting on a mountain of rage, anger and resentment that has been suppressed for many years and these emotions needs to be safely processed often with the assistance of a trained professional person.
In the video below, Dr K explains why the condition of Alexithymia - the inability to identify and understand feelings/emotions - causes difficulties with intimate relationships and how it is linked strongly to addictions.
Alexithymia - Online Self Test
A short online self test can be completed to determine if Alexithymia might be a condition involved in someone who is struggling with addiction. No email address required and the scoring is provided on the page.
Alexithymia - Effects on Relationships
Alexithymia can include the following factors (not a definitive list):
- difficulties identifying feelings/emotions;
- difficulty distinguishing between emotions from bodily sensations (a person who is angry might not realise they are angry, but feel pain in their stomach);
- inability to adequately communicate their feelings to others;
- difficulty identifying, recognizing or responding to emotional events/displays;
- inability to identify or respond to the vocal cues and facial expressions of other people correctly;
- the lack of creative fantasies/imagination (This refers to not creating their own fantasies - not to watching porn or movie fantasies);
- inability to think emotionally, with empathy, but instead using a logical/rigid thinking style;
- abuse of substances (because emotions are too painful to consciously 'feel' and process, the emotion is suppressed, escaped or numbed with drugs, alcohol or behaviours like porn and gambling)
- finding it difficulty to manage stressful situations - (needing to avoid, withdraw);
- being unaware that they are suppressing emotions;
- being less likely than most people to show altruistic concern for others;
- having a persona of rigidity/sternness/cool; and
- decreased joy of living life (they developed a mindset of just surviving).
Alexithymia - Possible Causes
While the exact cause of Alexithymia is not known, current research suggests that the condition might be caused by :
Check the link below to read more information on Alexithymia.
- Genetics - (inherited due to genetic anomalies)
- Environmental factors - childhood trauma especially from emotional neglect or abuse; a mental health condition, or lack of a social support system which is often the case in lower income societies often seen with drug/alcohol abuse and PTSD; and/or
- Brain injury - when the anterior insula in the brain is injured, some people might experience Alexithymia.
Check the link below to read more information on Alexithymia.
If you suffer from Alexithymia, don't be discouraged or blame yourself or go into shame. That doesn't help anyone recover. Please seek out the help you need.
If you recognise that porn use has been a way for you to numb or escape from the hurtful emotions of your childhood and you want to be free of porn addiction, please feel welcome to reach out anonymously if you prefer to us.
If you recognise that porn use has been a way for you to numb or escape from the hurtful emotions of your childhood and you want to be free of porn addiction, please feel welcome to reach out anonymously if you prefer to us.